Jah Rastafari.

Yesterday my new Rasta mask and socks( seen here) arrived. I look like a terrorist in the mask, ha, ha! I like it though and it's thinner and easier to breathe thru than the other one. I generally refuse to wear a mask in protest though and only have it on hand in an emergency when I absoluletly have to. The socks are a bit tight and the material really has to stretch out( even though I did order a larger men's size) because my legs are so friggin' swollen and fat but that happens with any socks I have not just these ones and the elastic parts always leave marks and ridges behind on my puffy legs because of my bad fluid retention, likely due to my failing kidneys. I can still remember the bullies in grade 9 too taunting me I bet she doesn't even know what a stoner is! She probably thinks it's a little rock! Well, HA! Look at me now; I'm a big-time stoner! I wonder what they'd think and say now  if they only knew? I'm NOT so sweet-and-innocent Little Miss 'Perfect" anymore! Now I'm just waiting for my soul and spirit to break free completely and be set free for good. I count the days until I can be released from this body and this life that causes me so much pain both physically and emotionally.

Buddy didn't have any bleeding from his nose all day yesterday and then just a couple of tiniest drops last night before bed but I also noticed a tiny cut in his nostril too, and on the same side as the sore on his face that he's always scratching at too, so maybe in doing so he also cut his nose and that's what caused the bleeding? I hope so as the alternative is too painful to think about, but last night at 4 am he woke me up thrashing about in bed, not in a seizure, but struggling like he was having trouble breathing and he kept opening his mouth like he was fighting to get air and he staggered over to me and collapsed in my arms and I held him and stroked him and soothed him but it passed after about 30 minutes but it broke my heart, and when he dies so do I. he's my everything and my entire life  and without him I have nothing and we're so connected, so bonded, we're 2 halves of a whole and when one of us dies we both do. He is my heart and soul and my reason for living.It's like one of us is the heart and the other is the lung and the body needs both  to function and to stay alive and if you take one away the other will die without it. They work together as a team and need eachother to survive.

My friend A's( from Ottawa) aunt turned 102 years old yesterday as well and I think her secret to living so long is because she never married or had kids so she had much less stress and worry in life, and this morning the Gov't is to deliver a Throne Speech followed by the PM giving an unusual speech himself after, and I have a feeling and hope he'll be announcing his resignation; that the corrupt little weasel will finally step down after his umpteenth scandal, but probably not knowing him( unless he was forced to) he'll probably just be talking about the "pandemic" or something, and last night the 25 YR old picked up some groceries and he even brought me  a yogurt smoothie as well( as when I go and get my mango one I always pick up one for him as well as I know he likes it ,too) which I thought was really, really thoughtful of him and really nice and it touched me....except he got the peach  one(I only like the mango and I really don't like peach) thinking it was the one I like as it had the orange bottle, so it was a really nice thoughtful gesture I was touched by so he just drank it himself but then I got the impression he was disappointed and then I felt really really badly; like I'd hurt his feelings and I didn't mean to and I felt really bad and it bothered me all night I even cried up in bed last night because he was so nice and thoughtful to think to bring me back something and after all that I didn't even want it or drink it ( although also not my fault it was a flavour I think is gross and don't like either) and then I felt really guilty and awful and maybe I should have just said thanks and accepted it and just drank it anyway and pretended I like it and not have said anything.....I don't know.....I just HATE  myself for being  so stupid  and autistic and I never know how to react or respond socially acceptable to things and I always end doing and saying and reacting the wrong way and hurting or offending people and I feel so badly, so ashamed, so guilty, so horrible. I  just want to die.

Always over-analyzing.

over-thinking.

over-reacting.

over-worrying.

over-empathyzing.

 Being crazy is just so hard.