It's Labour Day weekend, the last "official" long weekend of the summer ( waah!) and we had our last BBQ of the summer( also waah!) as for other Lasts , the Last Thing I Ate: carrot muffin, Last Song I Added To My Playlist: Tattoo by Van Halen , Last Thing I Said last Night: I love you, always and forever, Last Thing I Did Before Bed Last Night: smoke weed ( my back and abdomen pain was unrelenting, a good 8 out of 10 on the pain scale and I wouldn't have been able to sleep) Last Book I Read: Ugly by Robert Hoge, Last Thing I Watched: nightly news on TV, Last One I Kissed: my dog, Last Site I Went To: Facebook, Last Thing I Bought: weed, Last Phonecall I made: pharmacy,Last Song I Listened To: Jessica by The Allman Brothers ....so many "Lasts"...... and also a Lost.... as in Lost Dream.....
It has always been my dream job to be a pilot but it has always been out of my reach because I suck at math and I just found out the other day that there are also certain medical conditions that disqualify one from getting their pilot's license and I happen to have several of those too, incl. bipolar disorder, seizures, depression, even a deviated septum(I have since had surgically corrected at age 20 or so to help my breathing issues) as it can be related to sleep apnea(which I also suspect I likely have but never knew the connection and at first wondered incredulously, Why can't you be a pilot just because you have a crooked nose?) and others(I forget what they were now, my memory is shit) and it just made me so sad that I never had a chance right from the beginning; that my dream was always denied to me, out of reach, that I was never worthy, good enough, capable, able, it was never possible,(the story of my life) and it hurts that I always have this desire that could never be fulfilled; a dream that could never be reached, because once again I suck, I'm a loser, deficient, limited, and all my issues hold me back and prevent me from living a full happy life and living the life I want and wish I had. It's the same thing with being ugly and having Asperger's too; I wish I wasn't ugly and then I could have attracted guys and found love and if I didn't have the limits of Asperger's I could have been able to move out away from my toxic family and live on my own and be happy away from their abuse. Being the way I am limits me and holds me back and disqualifies me from ALOT in life and I've missed out on so much and lost so much. I'm never good enough or qualify for anything.
Take a look at this: one of my Facebook friends got married( her 2nd or 3rd I lost count) and she's in her 60's and wears a low-cut gown like this. I don't think it's appropriate for any wedding dress(or any dress; modesty is best) but esp. for an older woman but other than that the dress is pretty but I found it pretty shocking, esp. when she calls herself a Christian and she dated the guy just a mere 4 months after her previous husband died which I think is too soon,too. people continue to shock me. SMH.
Remember how the other day after a week of my horrific pain my rib pain finally lessened up? Well, the day after the back and abdomenal pain returned with a vengeance and is now white-hot and is deceiving as well as it feels like I have a log-jam and am all full of shit and if only I go to the bathroom I'll feel better.....so I try but it makes no difference and even going 4-5 times a day it makes no difference so I'm NOT blocked up; it just feels that way and there's no relief; it feels like really bad constipation even though it's not and I even have diarrhrea...and the back pain is piercing and I break out into a cold sweat from the pain it's so bad. I wonder if it's my appendix, kidneys, or colon? I also prayed this prayer for God to send me a sign on the day I'm going to die that a Monarch butterfly lands on my sunflower and on Friday it did....but alas, I'm still here.... I also keep seeing articles about Symptoms of Colon Cancer! popping up in my newsfeed so I wonder if someone is trying to "tell" me something, and FanExpo ( like ComicCon) also got cancelled for my hubby and the guys, just like how the CNE did for me and they look forward to that each year just like I do for the "Ex". With everything being cancelled due to the "pandemic" hopefully they'll at least cancel the bad stuff,too, like winter and Satan's Day (Hallowe'en) instead of just all the good stuff....I was also banned again for a week(I'm not allowed to post or comment) from a Facebook group only they never tell me what for; what exactly I posted that got me banned, but it might have been this:
But at least I did get over 1700 "Likes" before, so pppffffffttttt!!!!!
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