Hurt.

I'm hurt. I'm just really hurt, and I'm just really tired of hurting. Not only my chronic daily acute abdomenal and back pain ( and my back pain is soooo bad it's off the charts, now a 8/10 on the pain scale it feels like my spine is going to break) I have to constantly have the heating pad on it and smoke flower( weed) and take hits on my vape  for pain relief I wonder if it's just severe arthritis on my spine or (more likely considering the severity of the pain now for the past 3 days) something(such as an adrenal tumour?) pressing on my spine causing pain? I can hardly even bend down at all now the pain's so bad and now I also hurt in my heart too as I just found out my mother's been stealing my $$$!! With her pension she buys the groceries and with my monthly $$$ I get I pay the bills( hydro, water, gas, etc) and my hubby pays for the car and yesterday she let it slip that the hydro bill was 200$ less than usual ( even though I pay the bills with my $$$ she manages and controls  the finances incl. my $$$ as I can't do math and don't understand banking etc. so I hand it over to her and she divides it out) so she said she now has 200$ to pay towards her  new glasses..... hey.... wait a minute here.... that's MY $$$$!!! Who does she think she is  using MY left-over $$$$ to pay for her expenses when I  struggle and never have any $$$ left over after paying bills and my medication( weed) to buy anything for myself? and then it suddenly hit me; all the time she "comes across" this so-called "extra" $$$ she "finds" for expenses it came out of MY  $$$ all along that I had "left-over" from paying bills that cost a bit less each month....meanwhile here I am struggling thinking I never had anything left over for my own expenses, not even enough to buy shampoo,deoderant, clothing, etc. I don't even have $$$ to buy Christmas presents....meanwhile here she is spending MY $$$$$ , stealing it from right under me all this time!!! WTF?  Needless to say I feel so hurt, so betrayed , always used, betrayed and hurt by the ones I trust,

Every single time.

I can't even explain what that feels  like; to have your own mother stealing from you. A knife twisting in your heart doesn't even begin to describe it. I just want to die. The hurt, the sorrow, the betrayal just cuts and hurts so deep. I guess now I'm just going to have to stop her access to my bank account and transfer it over to my hubby and have him pay  the bills for me online just like he does for her as I obviously can't trust her anymore to have access to my $$$$. At least that way I'll know what I have left-over each month and be able to actually access  and spend my own $$$$. Her sad "excuse" is  that it's all "pooled together" ( her $$$ and mine) as 'family expenses" but that's my  income and she doesn't have the right to just take  whatever she wants from it, esp. without even asking and esp. when I never have anything left  of my own $$$$ to spend myself!!

As well, yesterday the kids also all ganged-up on me and were ridiculing me for saying that as long as you have a heart beat you are still alive and even if you're brain-dead as long as your heart beats your body is still alive and if you stop that heart beat you have killed a life and the 26 YR old was the worst saying I'm stupid and brain-dead and he called me a Smooth-brained anti-vaxxer flat-Earther and it was really hurtful, esp. coming from him because I always considered him to be one I was close to and to have him berate and belittle me like the others do was really hurtful and broke my heart and they all think I'm crazy and stupid but 2 things I do know without a doubt no matter how much they make fun of me for is that God is real and that as long as your heart is beating you are still alive.

When you feel like you want to die, you don't really want to die. You just don't want to live the life you have.

Check this out: a gigantic Caltalpa leaf from the neighbour's tree! Look at the sheer size of it, compared to my hand! Isn't it huge? Probably one of the biggest leaves I've seen! My mother also had her annual eye exam and needs new glasses that cost 300$ we have to find the $$$ for and my hubby got the snow tires on the car,too, probably just in time by the looks of it, and yesterday as I walked Buddy by the pitbull he barked at first not realizing it was him( as he's the only dog he doesn't bark it) and then saw who it was and stopped barking; Buddy must be the Alpha  and the pitbull defers and submits to him as the senior and it's kind of funny when you think about it, that my little old Dachshund is the Big Man on Campus, one of the Popular Kids, and I wonder if he might have diabetes,too( common in older Dachsunds) as he's been really thirsty lately and ravenously hungry, too, always telling me he wants to eat and scrounging off the carpet and floor eating whatever he can find and always mooching off everyone and my hubby even asked me Are you starving your dog? which are signs of diabetes so I'll increase his exercise and add leafy greens, fibre, and complex carbs to his diet and he already has high protein as I only feed him real beef and chicken. The 17 YR old also wants to get a fake ID but not to sneak into bars and clubs but to get into the Trampoline Park as you have to be 19!