Poor Baby!!

Later yesterday Buddy was yelping in pain again and arching his back and curling his tail dowwards, indicating severe pain and in doing so he also did a turd on the livingroom carpet and one on the kitchen floor, something he doesn't normally do unless he has diarrhrea so my guess is either the pain reflex was just too strong and when he was flexing and clenching his abdomenal muscles up in pain the turds just came out or he's losing control if his muscles in paralysis if he has spinal issues which are very common in older Dachshunds but the surgery for disc issues costs a whopping 3-4 K, and even though I love him more than anything in life and I'd do anything for him I just don't have  the $$$$ but I do what I can, incl. giving him the heating pad and CBD oil to control the pain and if it's abdomenal maybe he's just got a log-jam and he's all bunged up as yesterday he did shit 4 times outside so maybe he's just constipated or has bad gas pain or something? It was a nice 9 C yesterday and sunny so we got to sit outside and enjoy the nice weather and the 26 YR old told the 13 YR old to stop teasing Buddy as he's dying and added, This time it's me saying it; not just Mama and the 17 YR old scolded me for not "putting him down" and just "watching him suffer"(I'm not watching him suffer; I control his pain, like Palliative care) but I just can't KILL my best friend; I couldn't live with myself; my conscience just won't allow it,and if I did I know I'd come right back home from the vet's and commit suicide because I couldn't handle it. He'll die when he's ready, when it's his Time and not before. It's not up to me to decide when he( or anyone else) dies and she excuses it "wouldn't be me doing it; the vet's doing it" but it would still be my doing; it's like when you hire an assassin to kill someone; sure you're not the one actually killing them but it's still due to you and you're still complicit. When I said I don't know how I'm going to live without him the 13 YR old also shrugged to "just get another dog that looks exactly like him" but it's NOT that "easy"; he's NOT "replacable"; he's the best dog and the best friend I've ever had as well as the best thing to ever happen to me and that just can't be "replaced". He is a one-of-a-kind and has brought a whole new love, light, joy,and healing into my life I've never had before. He is my whole life and without him I'll have nothing left anymore.

Yesterday and today my balance is all really "off" too and I'm really dizzy and keep tipping over to the left side and keep staggering around  and my brain is even more "foggy" than usual and I struggle to find the right words and my arthritis is even worse too and every single joint in my body hurts so much I can hardly even move and I still have the back and abdomenal pain,too. I wish  I could be  euthanized.