Chess Family.

We are a chess family, long before it even became "trendy" due to the mini-series The Queen's Gambit which was, in fact, named after a chess Opening. Even the youngest( age 13) plays, shown above here playing the 26 YR old, and below the 26 YR old playing my hubby who is a Master. The other day the 26 YR old also told me that the 17 YR old's game has really improved and I also heard that the Edmonton Boys ( the oldest and the 22 YR old) often play eachother but the oldest will often pull a fast one on his younger brother trying to convince him he always lost even though he actually had a chance of winning. I can even remember playing my mother when I was a teen, decades ago. It's nice to see my kids interested and playing something so cerebral, cultured and classic like chess, and waaay better than redneck shit like hockey or football! It's also been 5 weeks since I sent off for the kids' new passports and they still haven't arrived despite them saying 2 weeks; typical half-assed gov't ineptness and with the lockdowns no one's travelling anywhere anyway so what's taking so long?

Buddy had I guess what you'd call an "episode" yesterday and it really scared the shit out of me: he was laying on his doggie bed in the living room and I was beside him on the couch and he make this alarming  loud gaaaccking noise that alerted me so I picked him up and cradled him and he went all limp and unresponsive in my arms for several minutes but felt like hours and I was so afraid he was dying and I kissed him, pet him, soothed him, cuddled him, told him how much I loved him, tears falling down, and I wasn't just hallucinating or imagining it either because the 13 YR old was in the room and saw it too and he looked worried and had to leave the room as it was too painful to watch....but then a while later he just sort of "perked up" and came out of it and seemed fine, much to my relief, but what was it? Some sort of seizure or did he go unconscious? What was it? His abdomen was making loud furious sounds at the same time as well and I feared maybe he was bleeding internally or maybe it was something with his heart and I was sure I was losing him.....but then he came out of it and seemed fine. What was it? Whatever it was it sure was terrifying and when he shit shortly after he had quite alot of blood in it along with some squishy bloody stuff along with it but he didn't seem to be in any pain....I honestly thought this was the end....for both of us, because when he dies I die too as we're so connected and he's my entire life and without him I'll have nothing left asnymore.

I was also telling my mother the other day how my True Love (and the one I hoped to marry) ended up to be gay and the 13 YR old overheard and said, Papa's not gay!  but I wasn't talking about him, and I swear every day my arthritis pain gets worse and every joint in my body hurts so much I can hardly even move  and I fear that one day I won't even be able to move at all and will end up paralyzed and I never imagined arthritis would be so painful; I just thought it was stiffness but I have Rheumatoid Arthritis which is worse than the regular kind as it's an auto-immune disease where basically my immune system attacks itself but I can't take this chronic daily pain for much longer( and I have a high pain tolerance!) and my fatigue is so debilitating too all I want to do is sleep all day and I have no appetitie.....makes me wonder if I have some kind of cancer even though the doctors have checked and tested and scanned for the past 3 years and haven't been able to find anything and yet I continue to decline and the pain gets worse and the fatigue gets worse...It feels like I'm fading away and I honestly hope I do die soom because this is no life.

I also keep telling myself to not let the 24 YR old's intentional cruel exclusion of me at Christmas ( every year getting presents for everyone except for me, purposely leaving me out) get to me but exclusion still hurts and it always will and she knows  it ( they all do) and it's always been a sore spot to me due to my life of rejection, exclusion, bullying, etc. and my friend in Brazil said F*ck 'em all! and she's right and it hurts too that even my own family rejects and excludes and treats me just like the bullies in school did and I feel like my only "purpose" in life is to be a scapegoat; a punching-bag, and being ugly and masculine-looking I've also never felt pretty, beautiful, attractive, feminine or desirable either and that's just really sad, #UglyLivesMatter  and my entire life I've never felt good enough, worthy, like I matter , like anyone cares, unlovable, etc. and never had any confidence, self-esteem, etc. and that's a pretty shitty way to feel about yourself and it's only re-inforced when everyone treats you like trash. I still choose to shine though even though everyone's always told me that I shouldn't. Told me I can't. Told me not to.