Flocked Christmas Trees.

Yesterday my hubby told the 13 and 17 YR olds to put up the Christmas tree and I heard the 17 YR old thumping something big and heavy down the stairs thump, thump, thump!  it sounded like she was dragging a body down the stairs and so she and the 13 YR old tried to asseble our artificial tree ( for years we'd had real trees until that one time years ago when it fell over and all the water ruined our hardwood floor and that was the end of real trees and we got an artificial one) and they were sitting on the livingroom floor surrounded by 5 or 6 various tree parts trying to figure out what went where and they were so confused and it was funny watching them like Fric & Frac and it was like trying to put a mis-matched puzzle together, Where does this piece go? It doesn't fit? I told  you that's not going to work! Why is this one circle-shaped and that one's star-shaped? That's not right; it doesn't look right! Look! This one's a different colour than that one! They don't match!You put it on the wrong way stupid! and on and on it went until they finally figured out they must have had various pieces from 2-3 different trees and couldn't figure out which pieces belonged (I'm sooo glad I wasn't doing it) where my hubby finally decided to just tell them to forget it and just give up and he ended up throwing it away and going out to Wal-Mart  and just buying a new one they assembled quickly in no time.

The problem? I've always dreamed of and wanted a flocked  tree( shown in the picture above) with the white sprayed on it so it looks all snow-y) as I think it looks so beautiful and I want to decorate it with white lights and white and silver ornaments, you know, keeping it classy, and my hubby comes back with this cheap-o looking thing that doesn't even look real, has coloured lights and isn't even flocked and I'm really disappointed and hurt and he claimed he "never knew" and I never even mentioned I like flocked trees and that he doesn't even know what 'flocked" means( and I thought I'm  supposed to be the dumb one?) even though I've only mentioned it for over the past 30 years or so how much I love them and always wanted to get one....and now was the chance and he never even bothered to look for flocked trees and now I feel really really disappointed and hurt; hurt no one ever listens to me, hurt my voice is never heard, hurt no one ever cares what I think, say, want, or need, hurt of always being being disappointed, let down and forgotten, hurt of not mattering,hurt over lost hopes and dreams, and my hubby always sneers, You can't always get what you want!  which hurts too not only because it's demeaning and invalidating but because I hardly ever get what I want and I'm tired of always being disappointed. 

I cried last night in bed, tired of always being disdappointed, not heard, of lost hopes and dreams. Tired of always having to settle. Settling for less-than, for second-best, for things I don't even want or like.

Just tired.

This is the tree he ended up getting and it actually looks better in the photo than it does in real life(it actually looks cheap-ass and ghetto) but I don't want anything to do with it. I can't even look at it. I just want to cry every time I see it. I mourn the flocked tree I'll probably never get. I even asked him to return this one and order a flocked one I saw at Amazon  for a reasonable price that delivers in mere days but he wouldn't.A friend said screw him and suggested I just buy my own flocked tree and I could but where would I put it? He already has this one set up in the livingroom? I could put it in my bedroom only I don't have the room. Then I asked if I could flock it myself with either white spray paint and a mixture of modgepodge and shaving cream but again he said no. Sometimes I think it's his job to crush my dreams and deny me any happiness he possibly can. Now they even expect me to decorate it,too,but I won't, not until it's flocked. If they want it decorated they can decorate it themselves. I want nothing to do with it. It's just too painful. In fact, I wish I could just skip Christmas altogether; it's always just a stressful overwhelming time for me, and with all those people in my house it rattles me anxiety and nerves, esp. even more so with the 21 and 24 YR olds BF's; I feels so awkward and uncomfortable with strangers in my house I never know what to say or how to act....I just wish there was some way I could just omit it and NOT have to do it; just not show up, not participate, just somehow skip the day, the entire thing....

Yesterday Buddy also caught a mouse! Both he and I saw it at the same time as it emerged from a hole in the wall in the livingroom( that exact same hole I told my hubby to block in but he never did) and ran under my hubby's recliner chair and I've never seen him move so fast; it was like lightening! He ran there and waited patiently for it to come back out, crouched in pounce position and when it emerged he ran for it and caught it in his mouth and it was wiggling and squirming trying to get free and I asked him to drop it and he let me take it from out of his mouth( because I don't want him to actually kill it and eat it) and he let me and I picked it up by the tail and tossed it in a bush outside and gave him a doggy "cookie" as a treat in exchange. He's such a good mouser and a natural hunter. Who needs a cat to catch mice when you have a Dachshund?😄