Lost Forever.

I just love this photo. It reminds me of when the 17 YR old used to love me. Once she was 11 or so she just shut down, turned her back on me, stopped confiding in me or even talking  to me and started getting really mean to me which has only gotten worse over the years even though all I ever did was love her and be an exc ellent mother to her and we were so close and she was the girl I had always dreamed of to bond with and be close to until suddenly without warning she just shut me out and for the past 2 years hasn't given me a Christmas gift and I asked her about it again since she evaded me the first time and she snapped, You're still going on about that?  but I just want to know why, why she's treating me like this, what the reason is, what I've done because I have absolutely NO IDEA and if I knew then maybe we can work on fixing it, and then she scoffs, It's too late for that.... and still kept refusing to tell me what the issue is and just shrugged, You should know; it's the same thing you did to all of us! but I honestly don't know. I never beat them or abused them, I sacrificed my life to raise them and to keep them safe when an enemy was after us, I tried my rest to raise them godly and to be good people and to homeschool them and when we used to have $$$$ they had the best clothing, etc. When I told her At least you owe me an explanation... she coldly replied, I don't owe YOU anything!  and it felt like a knife deep in my heart. It felt like a betrayal and something inside me just died and it feels like I've lost  her forever, almost as if she died, and I broke beyond repair and  I'm just shattered and gutted, and part of me died,too; losing the one I loved most and everyone I've ever loved, cared for or trusted the most have always hurt me and betrayed me the most. I'm done with her now. I give up. I can't take any more of this. I'm just done.

The only thing I could possibly think of( as she had mentioned it before and I can't think of anything else)  was them complaining that I "forced" them to go to church and raised them with religion which they referred to as brainwashing in a "cult"  but since when is the Catholic Church a "cult" and my faith in God is important to me and if it weren't for God I never would have survived all the traumas and pain I have, and I wanted to raise my kids to know and love Him too,and to be good ethical morally upright righteous people. What's so wrong with that? It's my duty and my vocation  to raise godly children and it could have been worse what I "subjected" them to: like physical or sexual abuse, or going to bars every night and bringing home strange men every night, or marrying abusive step fathers who molest them or are raging drunks, etc, but all I did was raise them in religion, and alot of kids don't like having to go to church but they don't go around hating their parents for the rest of their lives because of it, and my hubby always forces them to play board games too and they don't hate him. All I know is I tried my best and what I thought was right and in their best interest and now they resent and hate me for it? I just can't "win" no matter what I do and my family is so toxic to me all they do is bring me down  and hurt me I really need to get away and just break free of them and start my own life all over again.

Yesterday afternoon the 24 YR old also took the train back home and the 19 YR old walks in and goes, What's that gross smell? and I had just come in from outside smoking weed so it may have been that or it might have been the essential oil diffuser I had going in the bathroom that smells like pumpkin pie and each day my mother would loudly announce who her "Fave." kid of the day was and it was always the one that she could get to be her "slave" and who would do and get stuff for her. She just sees them as her personal servants. I see them as a bunch of strangers that make it clear they don't like me or want me around, treat me like shit and always make me feel even worse about myself than I already do.