Yesterday I posted this on my Facebook page, saying it like it is, letting it all out, and I don't regret it. Just keeping it real.
Also twice yesterday my brother-in-law commented that I'm always such a Negative Nelly demeaning my depresssion so I replied with the image above and also with the one below. I'm honestly sick and tired of being blamed for something I have no control over and have struggled with ever since I was 13 and have been treated for for decades. Every day is just a struggle to survive and with all the trauma I've had in my life no one would understand unless they've been thru it themselves and unless they have then they shouldn't judge, blame, or hate me for it. They have no idea what I've been thru and what made me this way, what broke me. I've had the depression for 40 years now but the anxiety has always been with me, for as long as I can remember, even as a kid and with all the numerous traumas(and resulting PTSD) I've endured in my life( 9 that clearly and instantly come to mind) it's all just too much and it would make anyone crack so a little support and understanding would be nice. My 2 fave. friends sent me hugs( as well as my friend from Austria) which is one reason why they're my faves. because they care about me and show me love.
Yesterday my mother also mentioned how it's my wedding anniversary soon ( on the 16th although she thought it was either the 14th or 18th somehow) and I'd actually totally forgotten all about it and the other day the 26 YR old said my life is basically over now anyway as my purpose and goal was to reproduce and I've successfully done that and now the kids are grown up and no longer need me or love me anymore there's nothing left for me anymore and he's right; I no longer have any sense of purpose or meaning in my life anymore; before, for all those years I identified as a mother, that's who I was, but now who am I and where do I fit in and where do I go from here? It's also been 9 months( I can't believe it's been that long already!!) since I've been to church and no one has called or checked-in on me to see if I'm OK or to inquire where I've been or indicated that they noticed I've been gone or miss me in any way, not even the long-time priest who I've known for the past 17 YRS ever since we moved here, and I have to say it hurts.
I also saw an article that said indications of high intelligence and I was surprised to see I have them all except for the math ability, incl. avid reader, likes to analyze everything, being a loner, thinking outside the box, challenging rules and authority, seeing things from a different perspective, being an introvert, etc. so am I maybe NOT as dumb as everyone always says I am and tells me I am or are they also just Asperger's traits as well? Hmmm....My friend in Brazil also invited me to come visit her and hang out and I would absolutely love to and she's bipolar like me and we have so much in common and get along so well it would just be so much fun and exactly what I need right now but with all the restrictions, lockdowns and quaratines going on right now would I even be able to fly and even if I could, where would I get the $$$ for the airfare?
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