The Darkness is back, in a big way again. It has permeated my brain and infiltrated thru my entire body, my whole being, my entire existance. I'm just so sick and tired of my life, of myself, my unhappy marriage, my shitty family life, my family that excludes me, belittles me, mocks and ridicules amd bullies me, longing for love , validation, support, and kindness I know I'll never have, worried Buddy doesn't have too much time left and he's my entire life and without him I'll have nothing to keep me going, dreading spending Christmas with my family, always being excluded in gift-giving by the 24 YR old who always gets gifts for everyone except me, purposely excluding me, and the 21 YR old always loudly complaining about how "dirty" the house is, being an incredibly rude guest insulting our home, and as the family sits around in a circle on Christmas morning opening gifts I still feel like I'm outside of that circle, and I'm always in constant daily chronic physical pain(as well as emotional) and I refuse to live in the New World Order under tyranny and oppression, and I'm frustrated because I've had enough and I just want to die but I can't and despite 6 suicide attempts I just can't get it right and even fail at that, too, yet at the same time I 'd also be surprised if my eventual cause of death doesn't end up being suicide at some point; I just have to "perfect" the technique and make sure I get it right the next time so that it actually works....
Today my hubby and the 26 and 17 YR olds are driving up North ( a 4-5 HR drive!) to visit one of his brothers, the same asshole that de-friended me on Facebook when he mocked my depression and I told him off and my friend T( from Ottawa) said Good riddance to him! and he's right, and an added bonus,too: at least now I no longer have to keep seeing photos of his ugly grandchildren anymore, and they have LOTS of snow up there,too and we don't have any but I hope we get some before Christmas as it's not very "Christmas-y" without it, and then tomorrow night they go to Toronto to the airport to pick up the 19 YR old coming in from Vancouver and on Sunday both the 21 and 24 YR olds and their BF's are also arriving.On Monday I also decided to go to the nail salon and get my nails done for my Anniversary gift and to be festive. Today I heard on the radio as well a local coffee and wine shop that's only been there for 2 months has already been arsoned, vandalized, had property damaged and had hate-crime graffitti spray-painted on it all because the owner is a gay man. WTF though? Seriously, that's just so mean! What is wrong with people, but I guess I can't say I'm too surprised given all the dumb rednecks in this town.
I also mentioned to my mother how nothing ever goes right for me and I must either be some sort of jinx or cursed and she curtly replied, That's what you keep telling me! when a bit of validation and support would be nice but she's never given it to me and likely nevr will at this point and it hurts too that the ones that are supposed to love you have have your back are the ones that betray you and hurt you the most, and when I said it hurts how the 24 YR old always gets gifts at Christmas for everyone except me, purposely leaving me out she sneers that I never get gifts for anyone, blaming me, but the difference is it's because I don't have any $$$$ and if I don't have enough to buy for everyone then I can't; it wouldn't be fair to just get some for a few and leave others out, and when I do have $$$ ( like this year and 2 years ago) I DO buy gifts, so it's different; she does get presents, for everyone except me; it's not like she doesn't have any $$$ and can't afford to get any gifts for anyone; she does except for me; she's purposely leaving me out just to be cruel, and when I asked my mother why she's never validated me or supported me she snickered, Because you're always wrong! Wow......just....wow...such a "nice" caring mother, and my hubby always dismisses me and waves me off too saying he's "wasting his time" talking to me and that I "don't understand" brushing me off like I'm sort of idiot that doesn't deserve the time of day, and my family always hassles me(with my medical issues) for having a daily nap yet my mother also does too and they never say anything about her, so why am I always singled-out, and it's really hurtful to always be demeaned like that esp. by my own family.
The other day I also heard the Queen song We Are The Champions which has always ended with: We are the champions of the world but this time it ended with just ...We are the champions leaving out the ...of the world part so I wonder if it's one of those Mandela Effect things, or a glitch in the Matrix or a time travel thing, and with the new Corona virus vaccine PM Trudeau says he's NOT going to get it right away stalling saying he'll get it later, once everyone else has it, so he must know something that the rest of us don't, and Trump was also advised to get it even though he supposedly already had the virus and would therefore be immune.....so why then exactly would he even need a vaccine to a virus he's already immune from? Hmmmm....something's just NOT right here, and mandatory masks is also symbolic,too: Gov't tyrants keeping our mouths shut, muffling our voices, silenced and not heard, faces covered, no identity, faceless, uniform, conformity, silenced, just another brick in the wall, and the more you comply the more restrictions increase.
LIVE FREE OR DIE!!!!!
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