Together Forever Always.

Both Buddy and I have The Shits  and my guess is either from all the turkey or else someone has been poisoning both of us and two separate time during the night he also jumped down off the bed and did 2 big squishy incredibley stinky shits on my rug....but they were all just blood, bright red blood and I even heard the loud squirting sound which woke me up, worrying me he's bleeding internally although it might also just be something he ate too because he has had bleeding before from his intestinal tract when his colon reacts to a food he disagrees with although nowhere near this  much and it really worries me and got me thinking I hope we both  die together, at the same time because I worry if I die first what will happen to him; not only will he be left behind alone, lonely, and grieving but I won't be here any more to protect him and I worry with me gone my cruel family might do who-knows-what to him, like open the door and just throw him onto the street to starve, get run over by a car, be prey for predators, to die of neglect, etc. or they'll put him in the pound to end up euthanized because no one adopts senior dogs, and he turns 15 in 2 months. I wouldn't put it past them to do something like that once I'm gone, either to "erase" any reminds of me, to "get back" at me and hurt me, or because they just couldn't be bothered but either way it breaks my heart to even think of the possibilities and the thought of him being left all alone, sorrowful,and at their "mercy"  is what keeps me going and why I haven't killed myself so far yet; he is  my only reason I'm still alive, my reason for living. I couldn't bear to leave him behind.

I also don't want him to die before me,either, because he is my world, my life, the only one that loves me and also the only one I know won't suddenly one day decide to stop loving me or betray me or turn his back on me; I know he's a trusted and faithful friend and companion and I can always count on him, unlike anyone else, and he's really all I have, and my only pleasures in life are my dog, my music, my weed, and my chocolates but without him in my life I have no purpose or meaning anymore, nothing to keep living for, nothing that keeps  me alive or gives me a reason to stay anymore so I pray to God when it's his time to go that He also takes me,too; that we both die peacefully, snuggled up together, drifting away in our sleep, together forever always, reuniting on the Other Side, best friends for all eternity.

The 19 YR old also goes back home to Vancouver tomorrow and even when she's just here home with us and not even going out anywhere(we're under full lockdown, basically house arrest now and the revolution I've been waiting for my whole life is finally coming soon!!) she still puts on a full face of make-up and says it's just "part of her daily routine" and even back when I used to wear make-up I only did it when I was going out but not just around the house( who is she trying to impress?) and even now when I go out I still don't bother wearing it anymore but prefer the natural look, and make-up's to cover-up the uglies and to highlight  your good points, which I don't have, but I'm too old to even care anymore, and I'm ugly and this point I just accept it; I know it's never going to change(in fact, it just keeps getting worse with age!) and I know I'll never be able to "attract" anyone anyway. I've also been really sweaty the past couple days( usually I'm freezing but my new cozy hoodie keeps me nice and warm) and nauseated too which is unusual for me and yesterday my sinus pressure and congestion was really bad too and my ears had bad pressure as well, like when you dive deep down in the ocean or sort of like when you descend in an airplane. It's really weird but I've had it for something like 3 weeks or so now. If it's not one thing, it's another,  and last night going up to bed I was so out of breath I  saw stars and collapsed on my bed and thought I was going to have a heart-attack too and my last thoughts I had as I was sure I was dying were, oddly, I wonder if it's hard to make Feta cheese?and the kids still continue to do things purposely to annoy me,too, like keep turning off my music or turning off the Google Home  device while I'm using it. I hate my family they're such assholes. I also saw on the news kids toboganning and it reminded me of me and my friend D over Christmas break how we'd always go toboganning at the hill at my school. She went to the French school and we'd always get together in summer and Christmas break.

Maybe victims are actually saints in disguise?

I want to sleep in Heavenly peace.