Yeah...Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Today has already started off shitty for me and I've only been up a couple of hours. No one else is even up yet and when they do we'll sit around the tree and open stockings and  presents and later on have our big dinner. First of all I woke up expecting snow and there was none; it's still raining from yesterday( it was 8 C and we had torrential rain along with a rainfall warning; if it had been cold like it normally is that would have been lots of snow!) and they'd said it was supposed to snow today but so far nothing and it really doesn't feel like Christmas here without it so I'm disappointed. Then I tripped and fell into a table someone left set up in the middle of the floor and it was dark and I didn't see it, then getting breakfasts I dropped all the dishes over, and there was something else too but I forgot what it was. What a way to start off the day. No one else is awake yet but I whispered a silent prayer to God this morning as soon as I got up that I won't "allow" them to ruin the day for me by excluding me, making me feel I'm not part of their "circle", by ignoring me, etc. I prayed for strength and to just consider where it comes from and to try and not let it "get" to me. I can still remember too growing up what my mother said the most often to me was You just don't think! and the kids have made it obviously clear that they didn't come back to visit to see me(and the 19 YR old on their way out sneering Let's go anywhere that's NOT here!) and I hardly ever even get to see them and it feels like I don't really even have a family but I live with enemies.It hurts as well to realize that nobody cares about me and I could die and no one( except for me dog) would even care; in fact, they'd probably even be happy.

For the past few days I also have this tightness, squeezing and heaviness in my chest and it's even harder to breathe than usual so I don't know if it's my heart or lungs or just because I smoke alotta weed and my right palm itches like crazy as well, like it did when I had liver failure when I had Obstetric Cholestasis and my hands are also all puffy and swollen with my failing kidneys and my months-long dry cough is much worse now,too,and the itching(all-over) is always worse at night for some reason just like it was with the cholestasis , I'm an old jalopy falling apart and I desperatly need an over-haul, and even if I eventually end up getting Corona virus at some point (I'm higher risk with all my health issues) I still don't agree with the forced mask-wearing and mandates, lockdowns, isolation,tyranical gov't taking away our freedom and rights and living under oppression, and when they say  it's to Control COVID  what they actually really mean is to control the population.  I also had this revelation awhile ago that just before I die I'll hear one of my fave. songs Stairway To Heaven  and I heard it both yesterday and today so it makes me wonder.....

I also ordered 2 pumpkin pies for our dinner tonight from a local bakery our friends own but when my hubby went there 2 days ago to pick them up they said they never had our order! It figures! Just my typical "luck!" but since we know the owners they made them for us anyway and he picked them up yesterday.Buddy also almost caused a fire  the other day,too: he was playing with his fave. stuffy toy and he tossed it up in the air and it flew up in the air and went sailing behind him and landed on the coffee table right onto my lit candle and luckily I was right there to yank it off or else it would have caught fire! We already had one fire  (at our old house 24 years ago that destroyed half the house and we had to stay in a motel for 10 weeks while it got rebuilt) and that was enough; we don't need another one!! I also figured as well that the good thing about me being fat is it makes me harder to kidnap as it would take 4 or so guys to be able to carry me off and the good thing about being ugly too is I'm not too likely to be raped or sold into human sex trafficking,either so in some way it protects me!

The 19 YR old also asked the 17 YR old if she was a Top or a Bottom.... and everyone just shrieked with laughter and she had no idea why (I guess she was thinking bunkbeds?) and I had to explain to her( she's kind of a ditz) she was actually referencing to gay sex, how one guy goes on the top and the other guy's on the bottom...I used to think thay they took "turns" actually and switched as that would be the most "fair" way but apparantly they have preferences, and I've always wanted to ask my gay friends which they were; "Tops" or "Bottoms" but I never had the nerve to ask, and then my mother comes out with the most shocking, hilarious thing ever, and loudly spouts off, Not ALL of them suck penises!!!! and everyone just cracked up laughing so hard and then I replied, If they're gay GUYS they do; they certainly wouldn't be sucking PUSSY!!!  and everyone laughs again. It was epic and one of the funniest, most unexpected things my mother ever said and if it had been recorded it would have gone viral on the InterNet!! 😂

Yesterday my hubby also asked when does the 13 YR old apply for his Social Insurance number( our equal to America's social security number) and I told him he already has it; all the kids have had it ever since they were babies and he was shocked and surprised, saying you don't normally get it until you're a teen and asked why did I get them so young and I explained to him that you need it to get savings bonds and he thought it was weird and I told him it's not and that growing up all my friends and I had savings bonds too; you normally get them on birthdays....and then he snorted with contempt, Well, excuuuse me for NOT being 'richy-rich' like YOU were!  and I told Him(with his snarky attitude) Well, excuuuse me for NOT being a redneck like YOU!!  The need has always been there; the need for love, for validation, for acceptance, for inclusion, for belonging, to be good enough, to be valued, to be worthy, etc. which I don't think is "too much" to ask and yet has never been granted to me, and wish I could turn my back on my toxic family  and just shut the door behind me and walk away  and start a new life over again....