Depression Day.

They said on the news that today is "officially" the Most Depressing Day Of The Year; that the third Monday in January is statistically known to be the most depressing day all year. I'm not sure exactly how they judge that and how it qualifies but for someone like me that's been battling life-long depression( or at the past 41 of my 54 years) pretty much every day is a Depression Day, just some days are better and others are worse and then there are some that are really bad, such as the ones where everything just all gets to be too much all at once and it's just overwhelming and you lose hope and just can't go on and can't do it anymore and then you start enacting your Final Plan, the one you've planned and had saved up all along for when things just get to be too much and you can't go on any longer, and you know the time has finally come. I wonder if today is the day out of the year where there are the most suicides and/or suicide attempts and calls to the ER and such? Maybe that's what they mean? It is depressing in winter with little sunlight and little outside exposure in generaly anyway but this year even more so and even more detrimental to mental health and emotioanl well-being with the pandemic and everyone isoloated and under lockdown, separated from their friends, support systems and hobbies and activities they love and need to de-stress. Just imagine the Most Depressing Day Of The Year and multiply it by 365 and then it gives you an idea of what depression is like on a daily basis.Each day is just a struggle to survive andf each day you don't kill yourself is an accomplishment.

Buddy is still extra "Velcro" and won't leave my side even for a minute and even with his leg extra sore he still went up 2 flights of stairs to be with me when I had my bath and bervously kept pacing in the hallway and having breakfast this morning he wanted me to pick him up and hold him even though I never pick him up while I'm eating and he just sits there patiently and waits but this time for some reason I did; I put my food down and picked him up and he melted into me and we just sat there and snuggled for the longest time and my hubby and the 13 and 17 YR old jeer I should "put him down" as well but I could never kill my best friend( I couldn't live with myself) and you don't euthanize someone because they have arthritis either, otherwise I would have been gone years ago, and he's still eating and playing with his toys and enjoying life; he's just old, and when you get old everything falls apart( don't I know it!) and the thouoccurred maybe I got it backwards? Maybe he's not the one that's dying soon; maybe it's me? Maybe I'm  the one dying and he's the one that wants to be near me before I die and he's the one being close-by and keeping an eye on and "guarding" me? Either way I enjoy every second we still have together either way, and I often have these red itchy hives  mainly on my arms I thought was something from his fur but I read is typical from kidney failure a reaction from the toxins building up in your blood stream,. Who would have guessed?

Someone at work also asked the 17 YR old what she finds disgusting and she replied, I grew up with 5 brothers; nothing disgusts me! and the by-law officers were in the store as well to spy on everyone( staff and customers alike) to ensure they were following and obeying social distancing and mask-wearing rules and going the right way in the aisles according to the stickers and fining them 800$ if not, talk about a Police State and seriously, you'd think they have better things to do, and I saw this bald guy on a chess video  my hubby was watching  and he looked exactly like my Babushka looked like if she were bald(or if you put a short curly grey old-lady style wig on him) and my hubby and the 17 YR old are always so patronizing to me too every time I say anything they look at eachother in a knowing way and smirk and say Just smile and nod like I'm the dumbest thing ever and they're just trying to "humour" me and it makes me feel really "small". My family seems to have a "way" of doing that.