Happy New Year, all zero of you who even read this, ha, ha! This is my first post since last year! I sure hope it's a better year than last one was and today we're having Chinese food delivered( our tradition; we used to have the big dinner on New Year like we did on Christmas just the week before, you know, all decked-out in the diningroom with the good china and 6 turkeys and 3 hams, the 3 kinds of potatoes, peas, corns, buns, 2-3 stuffings, pumpkin pie, etc. incl. all the work that goes along with it...and then we got smart and it was like We just did this and just had this a week ago and it occurred to us how truly stupid it was and we decided to start a new tradition so now we order-in Chinese food on New Years(and make Ambrosia fruit salad, shown here in the photo, more on that later) and a good thing we called yesterday afternoon( we planned ordering it yesterday in case it was closed) as they said they were already all booked yesterday and already ordering into today and we got booked for 13:00 today but if we'd called even later yesterday they would have already been booked for today and we'd be S.O.L! At least it's good to know though that local business is doing well and getting lots of business. As for the Ambrosia, we had the 17 YR old whip up the cream as I don't know how to work the Kitchen Aid blender and it's expensive and I don't want to ruin it(I'm used to the old-fashioned hand-held blenders) but I had to show her when the cream is "just right", not too runny and watery, but when it gets all ripples and makes peaks, but not TOO much or it turns to butter and then I did the rest, adding the mini marshmallows and diced mixed fruit, folding in with the cream and I secretly "culled" the yucky squishy soggy grape population,too while I was at it, selecting them out and throwing them out in the garbage without ever adding to the cream so when it comes to eating it I don't have to look for them to pick them out and no one else will notice as everything's all covered with cream anyway.
Today is also the day the outdoor Christmas lights come down and the kids have to take the tree down. I took down the indoor house decor yesterday and I tried to add this cute video to this blog I took of Buddy's tail poking thru the slats of the chair he was sitting on and he was wagging it thru the slats and it was just so funny but it didn't work ( even though I was able to post it ok on Facebook) and I couldn't ask my hubby or any of the kids for help either as they don't even know I have a blog and that would, you know, expose it, but I did have the 26 YR look at my piece of shit slower than Jesus' Second Coming computer and he said it needs to be updated and the virus scans I run are "fake" and laughed I have over 10 thousand malware, etc. so he did a bunch of computer "magic" and tried to clear up and clean up what he could and chastized me for not taking care of it but I don't know about any of that stuff and I do run scans but I can't tell how to tell which ones are real and which ones are not and that's why I no longer install updates anymore now either like I used to, they end up being virus and my hubby yells at me for being so stupid but how am I supposed to be able to tell the difference and I ask him to help me but he brushes me off saying he doesn't have time so I'm left to my own and then this is what happens. I just don't understand tech stuff, just like I could never do math, no matter how hard I tried or how long I studied, it just didn't work and the 26 YR old jeered and mocked me I just give up and that's loser talk for quitters, you just have to 'push thru' your limits, etc. but I know my limits what I cannot do and that's like telling a fish he's a :loser" because he can't fly or a dog he's "not trying hard enough" because he can't read, etc. there just are some things that you just can't do , like when I spent my entire childhood trying to fly and there comes a point where you just have to accept you have limits and that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.
Growing up I also always wanted to be Greek or Chinese as all my friends were and I wanted to be like everyone else but I never was and I never will be.I heard on the news too the Premier made the Finance Minister resign just because he took a private secret Christmas family vacation to the Caribbean! So what? The guy's not allowed to have a vacation quiet and private with his family over the holidays? What's the big deal? They whine he "never told anybody"...yeah...and? He probably wanted to get away and NOT have anyone know where he was so they wouldn't contact him and bother him, his wife probably told him off for working too much and said the family wanted him just for themselves for a week but now he suddenly didn't have "permission" to travel even though the planes are still flying?. If this isn't a totalitarian regime what is? Yesterday Buddy also told me he found a mouse and was scratching and sniffing under a small table and when I looked sure enough there was a dead mouse curled up so I picked it up before he could eat it, praised him for telling me and gave him a treat. He's a good little mouser and was bred to hunt.
I also had this revelation before that I'll hear one of my fave. all-time songs Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin just before I die, too,and this week I've heard it every day, incl. twice yesterday. so is the universe trying to tell me something I wonder, and my hubby has a sore throat, the beginning of a cold and was laying on the couch all day yesterday. He and my mother are "allowed" to lay around and be sick but only I'm not. If I do they call me "lazy" and my mother describing my chronic daily pain even just refers to it downplaying it as mere "aches and pains", and yesterday and today both my upper thighs really hurt too, the muscles, as if I had been horseback riding or something, that deep aching pain of hard physical exercise the day before even though I haven't, so I wonder if my potassium might be low again( even though I do take a daily potassium supplement as the diuretic lowers it but I need for my severe edema which is caused by my failing kidneys...it's like a chain reaction.) or maybe I do have Rhabdo or something? either way it makes it hard to walk, or to even move! The poisoning Buddy and I theory may be possible too as the other day I found a small package of those gel beads that comes with packaging to retain moisture but says DO NOT EAT on the table right above Buddy's food dish, maybe that's what caused all that rectal bleeding? Could someone have put it in his food? Knowing my family it could be possible and I wouldn't put anything past them...
Yesterday the 17 YR old also said cooly to me as she walked past me, I don't like you! and sauntered off by me, and it was not only mean but uncalled for and it's like she goes out of her way to hurt me and I don't even know why ; what I did to her or what she thinks I did to her or what's causing her to behave this way and it's hard living in a house where people you love keep treating you like that, and living with toxic people is like living in a permanent chaotic living hell. I know the toll it takes on my body emotionally and physically. I've been drained of life. It's like I never know what's real or not.I'm gradually losing myself bit by bit. I get so caught up in their gaslighting, their ridicule, their exclusion, their mind-games, their bullying, their mocking, their cruelty,, their criticism, their dismissal and their overall ill-treatment of me I don't even know who I am anymore or tell what damage and brokenness has come from my mental illness, traumas in life or from their abuse. I have been so "conditioned" to this life now I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy anymore.
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