Just Stuff.

I had this scary nightmare that Buddy died and I was looking for him for a week and never even had a chance to say goodbye and it seemed so real and was so scary it woke me up and then I was relieved to realized it wasn't real but just a dream. A few days ago for a couple of days he did have quite alot of blood again coming out of his ass but hasn't now for a couple of days and no more diarrhrea either but back to turds once again making me wonder if it's something he picks up off the carpet and eats or if maybe he has colon issues like I do? He might have cancer though, since he is an old dog, turning 15 next month, and I also keep seeing articles online every day for the past several days on Warnings Of Colon Cancer! Sypmtoms Of Colon Cancer Not To Ignore! and it makes me wonder if someone is trying to tell me something, esp. given my past colon polyp and the increased risk of colon cancer due to that, plus it also happens ro run in my family,too( which isn't good and also puts me at high risk) and I have chronic abdomenal pain as well and have been diagnosed with I.B.S which is often early colon cancer misdiagnosed ,so....My stomach hurts lately as well( not just the recent nausea which is unusual for me) like I got kicked in the stomach by a horse would be the closest way I could desribe it, so I wonder if my stomach ulcer is back,now,too? Oh, just "great!"

One of my cousins in Europe said she tested positive for the Corona virus as well and started having symptoms last week but all she has is a cough and headache and just thought she had a cold so if it weren't for the positive test she wouldn't have even known she had  it and 2 weeks ago her and her hubby and kids were also tested for it and they all came back negative, so now she knows she has it she's all scared and worried  and thinks she's going to die and all that panic, worry and fear because of the media propaganda because the gov'ts have over-blown it to scare everyone in into blind submission and compliance even though she still feels ok and has mild symptoms and is no different than she was before she got the test results now all of a sudden she's in this frenzied panic and it's all just so unnecessary. Today the province will also be announcing "tougher new restrictions" but said they ruled out curfew and travel restrictions as the Premier stated he "doesn't want a Police State" as it was rumoured an 8pm curfew would be mandated( like in Quebec and they have police asking for "your papers" like in Nazi Germany if they catch you out past curfew and fine you 1000$ and up), which is Martial Law and ridiculous, as if the virus only comes out overnight but I still hate to think what more they can do  to take away our rights and freedoms and to lock us up and destroy businesses and take away jobs. One way or another, I refuse to live under tyranny!!!

I can't believe it's also been 10 MONTHS since I've last been to church; it just seems like a couple of months but it's been almost a year and it just blew me away when I realized it, how much time has gone by, and I miss it, I miss the routine, the Liturgy, even the routine of seeing the same people there week after week, but everything's changed now and life is different and I still worship, just at home now, on my own, in my own spiritual way, and I have been searching for truth my entire life, and yesterday I found a long black fingernail on the kitchen floor too (it wasn't mine) which was pretty nasty and gross but I guess it's better than a toenail and I can remember when the oldest was little too and he kept insisting that my hubby had a collection of toenail clippings in a jar up on a shelf  and we eventually solved the "mystery": it turned out to be a jar of  cracked open sunflower seed shells he kept on the shelf( instead of throwing out in the garbage) for some reason, and the other day I thought I smelled dead mouse,too, but it ended up to be the 26 YR old cooking Brussels Sprouts! I think I would have preferred the dead mouse.

The other day a "mystery woman" also phoned the house here I wonder if it's the secret mistress I suspect my hubby likely has: he hasn't done IT with me in 14 years now and he must be getting it somewhere and the other day the phone rang and I checked the name and number(we have call display) and I didn't recognize it so I let it go to the answering machine figuring it was for someone else) and then I heard the message come thru and it was a woman saying his name softly, twice, with a hesitant pause in-between and then she hung up. and didn't leave a message...Yesterday I also "re-lived" my childhood in a sense by enjoying the snow gently falling on my face and catching snowflakes on my tongue after smoking a Big Fatty and and I've seen symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizophrenia and I have symptoms of both(such as need to be loved, fear of being abandoned, hallucinations, paranoia) but how can I possibly have everything? Am I so far gone and such a sad case that I have everything? Am I so damaged and so broken that I have several disorders all at once? I'm a hopeless case.