Looking Back.

The other day I read online someone say they wish they never had kids and if they knew then what they know now they wouldn't have and I completely understand and looking back if I could go back in time I wouldn't have gotten married or had kids either but for different reasons. They said it was because it was so much more work and left them with much less freedom, free time, ability to go out and enjoy themselves, travel, go out to dinner, etc. made them more "tied down" than they expected, was more of a "dirty" job than they thought( cleaning up blood, barf, shit, etc.) endless whining and crying, etc. that grated on their nerves, etc. and the usual parenting stuff but for me it wasn't that; in fact, that stuff was expected and never bothered me; for me it was all the trauma, stress, anxiety,and worry that it brought along with it into my life and to such a degree that was unexpected and overwhleming that I was unprepared for and unable to handle, esp. already having an anxiety order and depression to begin with.....and then only years later( in my mid-40's) also being diagnosed with Asperger's, Social Phobia and Bipolar as well, which I didn't  even know at the time( which would have made a big difference; if I had known  I had something I could pass down my kids could possibly inherit that could harm them I never would have had kids but I didn't know and only found out after they were all already born and by then it was too late.)

Looking back, it would have been better if I'd just stayed single and then I would have had a much happier life as all of that trauma ( other than me being molested and bullied as a kid, but all the adult traumas) would have all been prevented and avoided and I would have had much less stress, worry and anxiety in my life and would have been less suicidal and would have even had a shot of maybe even being happy, or at the very least somewhat  happy, or happier than I am now at least, and my mother and I would have had a better relationship as we used to get along pretty well until I had kids and then she morphed into this controlling monster of a grandmother that just took over and interfered and over-ruled and undermined me and her and my hubby ganged-up on me and I was pushed aside and basically kicked to the curb, plus I ended up in an unhappy miserable loveless marriage and never got to experience passion, love, or romance and missed out on so much in life I mourn, long for, miss,and dream of the life I lost and never had but always wish I had, and my family emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abuses me and all of this unhappiness, abuse, loneliness, and pain would have been avoided and I would have had an entirely different and more peaceful life if I had just stayed single.

As for the kids, it might sound "mean" saying I wish I never had kids, but I also want to clarify that I don't mean my kids specifically in particular as individuals; I just mean having kids in general, with all the stress, worry,and anxiety that goes along with raising kids; all the worry, stress, anxiety, and toll it takes on your mind, body,heart,and soul every time any of them get sick or hurt, bump their head, fall, have a fever,go thru a medical issue(and when the 22 YR old had leukemia  when he was 7 that was just beyond God-awful) or have an emergency or have a crisis( eating disorders, self-harm, suicide attempts), or when they're hurting and you can't make it stop, and for someone with an anxiety disorder just multiply it by a million and like with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome for instance, oh, my God, that was a big one for me; I was just sooo terrified of that so much that with every single one of them, all 11 of them, I would watch them like a hawk every time they slept and even check on them multiple times during the night to make sure they were still breathing, still alive,  and later on when the breathing monitors came to put under the mattress that would go off if they stopped breathing I got one of those and I couldn't breathe easy and relax until each one of them safely passed the 1 year mark where they say they "outgrow" the risk. 

Then there's also this: I sacrificed and dedicated my entire life to having and raising kids and homeschooling them(and it was my dream to have a family) and I did my best and had good intentions and what I thought was right to raise them godly and I breastfed them, used cotton diapers, "wore" them in a "sling" across my chest and was a "natural" Hippie "Earth" mother, homeschooled them, brought them up to know God, tried to raise them to be polite, cultured, educated, kind, ethical, moral people....yet despite that they ended up growing up hating and resenting me and turning away from me....so for what? I pretty much ruined and wasted my life by getting married and having kids. I just ended up miserable. It was a dream that turned into a nightmare, and when I discovered that some of the kids also ended up "broken" it also would have been prevented too if I'd never had kids as I blame myself as they very well might have inherited my mental issues( although to be fair my hubby also suffers from mental issues,too, so it's NOT all just me or all my fault, I'm just the one who always gets blamed) and it hurts me to see them struggle like I do (eg. suicide attempts) and if I'd never had kids they wouldn't be suffering like this; all of this could have and would have all been prevented and avoided if I'd just stayed single and NOT gotten married and had kids.

THAT'S why. That's why looking back I wish I'd never met my hubby or had kids. My life would have had much less stress, anxiety, worry, fear, and trauma, and I might have had a chance at being happy and the kids wouldn't be struggling,either.