Stuff.

I'm still worried about Buddy. Even though he's still eating and plays with his toys he still limps along slowly and can hardly walk with his leg now and he can't lift it up to pee anymore now either and now has to squat to pee like a girl and he's sleeping alot more and still extra cuddly and won't leave my side and there's something "different" about him now,too and I can sense a "change" of some sort in him, like something's "shifting", something different; I can't quite explain it, but we have such a deep connection that if anything is even slightly "off" I can feel it and it worries me it means he's dying soon and could be any day now and it means he's slipping away and that's what I'm feeling, I'm sensing the change from starting to transition from this world into the next and it scares the hell out of me and I'm so scared every night I go to bed that he'll die during the night and I'll wake up and find him dead beside me in the morning and I'm just soooo relieved and thankful when I wake up and he's still alive and here with me! He's the only one in the entire world that loves me too so when he's gone I won't have anyone and he's also my only physical affection and physical contact as well; the only cuddles, snuggles,nuzzles, body warmth, etc. I get, incl,. pressed up against my back in bed, or curled up behind my legs or nestled in  front of my tummy,etc.(The kids haven't let me hug or kiss them in years and even asking the 17 YR old if I can give her a hug for my Mother's Day gift she recoils and backs away and sneers, Ewww! No! Gross!!) He is the only love, warmth, affection, kindness, companion, joy, light, happiness, and purpose in my life. He's the only one to miss me if I go away and to be happy to see me and greet me when I return, and to care and worry about me when I get sick or upset or that even cares if I lived or died. He really is all I have. I can't lose him!

I also found a funny new sophistocated-sounding  insult: Richard Cranium, meaning Dickhead , and I noticed in my bath this morning my hands looked yellow too; jaundice, a sign of my failing liver, and the other day the 13 YR old walks in the room I was in and says It stinks! Is that weed?  and I told him Yeah, someone was outside smoking weed. Can you believe it? It was me. I had just come back inside a couple of minutes before. I also re-named my Epic Meatball Stew to Epic Meatball Stewart and the 26 YR old actually got caught illegally downloading some game and my hubby got a nasty legal ceast and desist letter in his e-mail from the company about copyright infringement saying to delete the game or face legal action! Holy shit! He was really mad too because he had used his work e-mail account to do it so now he disabled his ability to torrent from his computer. Holy shit! How many times does everyone do this and never get caught? They must have had some sort of tracer on it or something? I also saw a movie called Tenet and it was so confusing and complex with my little brain I couldn't keep up and I had no idea what was going on and just ended up totally confused and had no idea what happened. That's what life is like when you're stupid.

My mother's doctor's office also called and said for her app't next week to switch it to a phone call instead of in-office visit as they told her that's what the gov't wants them to do now with the lockdown and stay-at-home emergency order but what if it's something they can't do or diagnose over the phone, such as take vitals or look at and feel a lump, a mole, a freckle, etc? Some things need to be looked at in person and now the gov't also has this program where they mail out blood tests you do yourself pricking your finger diabetic-style and take a blood sample and smudge it on a paper, similar to the way you smear shit samples on paper and mail off for colon cancer screening testing  and mail it back and they let you know if you tested positive for the Corona virus but I'm not doing it; it sounds "fishy" to me; there's no way I'm giving the gov't my DNA! Who knows that they want to do with it! Most people surveyed said they don't trust it and won't do it either and it's going straight into the garbage! They're even thinking of closing public parks, dog parks, toboggan hills, etc, too( ski hills are already closed) even though it's outside  and outside belongs to everyone  and how can you "close" outside?) It's becoming such a Police State and yet people just don't see it and accept it; reminding me of the story of the frog: if slowly boiled alive with the temp being turned up bit by bit it accepts it but if the heat is turned up  quickly it notices and protests. That's what's happening now with the "pandemic", people are slowly being "conditioned" to losing their rights and freedoms bit by bit until they aren't even aware of it and don't even notice or protest.

 My hubby laughs I Like my Conspiricy Theories too but he's  just too naieve and trusting and gullable and it's not that I'm paranoid, I'm suspicious; there's a difference, and I don't live in fear but rather I'm vigilant  and assumed there's always an ulterior motive and agenda because my life experiences have shown me generally there is and there's always more to things than it appears.. There's also this what I think is a scam, where we got a letter supposedly from the electric company saying they have to come into our house(and everyone's) to "inspect" the meter and it takes an HOUR to do so call and book an app't and my mother was going to and I stopped her. We don't "owe" anyone anything or are "obligated" to let anyone in our house without a warrant( not even the police) and my Red Flags are flying; an hour to check the meter? Really? If anything's wrong we'll call them. What is it really though, I wonder? "Bugging" houses with listening devices so the gov't can see how many people are inside to see if you're breaking lockdown laws, or burglars coming in your home to "case" the place to check out what you have to plan to return later to rob you? No thanks. I told her to just throw the letter out and pretend like she never got it and ignore it.

I also shudder to think what the crazy Trump vililantes will do when Biden gets sworn in this week after storming the Capitol before; I fear burn down the White House and try to assassinate Biden or something but at least the good now is at least they're prepared and they know something big will be coming so they'll be ready which is always an advantage, and I read somewhere that Someone somewhere is praying for what you have and I thought to myself, Oh, I'm so sure someone wants and is praying for a miserable, empty, lonely, unhappy life with  a toxic family that always hates, blames, excludes, mocks, belittles, berates, demeans, ridicules, bullies and abuses them and  with their entire life wasted  on raising kids that ended up hating them. Yeah....I don't really think so.