I'm pretty sure that my body is sending me indications that my heart is failing and that a heart-attack is imminent and yesterday and today Buddy keeps whining and won't keep his eyes off me, as if he's worried about me. A couple of nights ago I'm pretty sure that I had another seizure in my sleep again as when I'd woken up my pants were soaking wet and I realized that I had peed myself in my sleep and I've never done that before; I always wake up to go during the night plus the next day everything hurt, every single muscle in my body was just sooooo sore and exhausted(seizures take alot out of you physically) and I was even more fatigued than usual and disoriented all day as well and for the past 3 days or so I've had on and off chest pain ( feels like a squeezing, pinching or at times even a deep itching) and pain radiating down my left arm, heavy,tired, achy, tingling legs, abdomenal and back pain, nausea, breathless(even more than usual) really bad cough( so bad it even wakes me up) listless, lethargic, fluid retention back bad again, esp. hands and lower legs, and feels like I have this "lump" in my throat...it will be interesting to see what happens and how this all plays out and if I'm right and if so my poor old broken heart just finally gave up. It's been thru alot, the poor thing, so much heartache, heartbreak, pain, loss, and hurt, I don't blame it one bit if it's finally decided enough is enough and it's giving up. I'm ready though. I have been for a long time now.
The morning after the seizure when I woke up I also saw a fizzy white stuff in my mouth on my teeth and on my lips that had that awful strong bitter taste like Chlorohydrate even though I never took anything myself before bed so I wonder -as weird as it sounds- someone might have drugged me in my sleep and slipped a pill into my mouth and it dissolved in there, although it doesn't make any logical sense or why but it was definitely a dissolved pill and I know what I tasted. Yesterday my BP was also 131/58 and my pulse was 63 which is low for me and the 58 is worrisome as once it goes below 60 they start to get worried and my pulse is usually in the 85 range so my BP is dropping lower and yesterday some f*cker also thought it would be "funny" to hide the bath tub plug so I wouldn't be able to have my bath ( my instinct tells me it was the 17 YR old) but not to be "outdone", outsmarted or to let them "get" to me I just bunched up a washcloth and stuck it in the drain to plug the hole and still had my bath anyway, so ha,ha, motherf*ckers! I always have to be one step ahead of them, and the 17 YR old ate a brownie a co-worker gave her too and she said Don't worry, it's not a pot brownie! and I told her, Well, you'll know for sure in about an hour or so....
Yesterday despite it being winter we also had lots of sun so I bundled up and sat outside for an hour as I just love the feeling of the sun on my face and it's been so long and I really missed it and needed to feel it again( and esp. if I am dying soon I wanted to feel it one last time) and this way I would have also got a nice healthy dose of vitamin D which we always seriously lack in this country in winter, and I noticed a new dimple on the top of my right cheek as well so after 54 years my ugly mug finally decided to do something nice, and the 13 YR old threatened to burn the house down as well and I told him if he ever did then he'd be living in foster care and he smirked, Good! and I told him, Then it'll be good for you and good for us; everyone will be happy! and Family Day is this upcoming Monday as well but do we have to spend it with our own family or can we spend it with someone else's family? I mean, is there a set rule that it has to be with your own family?
Buddy's 15th birthday is also next week so I got him a nice juicy steak for his gift as it's his FAVE. and he loves steak but it came in a pack of 2 so I had to decide who to give the other one to, either my hubby or the 26 YR old, both who love steak, and my mother said to give it to my hubby but I decided to give it to the 26 YR old because (1) The kids get fed first, before the parents (2) I like him better (3) He's nicer to me. I also notice my anxiety is building up and I have trouble sleeping so it looks like the manic part of my bipolar has returned and if so I'm in for a wild ride and the 19 YR old got a new job( in the fashion industry like she's training for) and starts soon and poor Buddy isn't feeling good for the past 2 days either; he hardly eats, limps around, and pretty much just sleeps all day. Maybe we're both dying together?
Trust is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose.
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