New Life.

I read a news article the other day  about this small town in Italy in Puglia named Biccari that has such a small, low, and dwindling population due to so many many people immigrating abroad that they have abandoned their houses and they need to re-populate the town so they fixed up the homes and are now selling them for cheap ( 13 thousand Euro for a modest one) and encouraging foreigners to come and move over and settle there to repopulate the town and you have no idea how seriously I am considering it. I absolutely LOVE  Italy! It's one of my top fave. places I've been and to live there would be amazing, and I so desperately need a new life, to just start over again and get away from this miserably unhappy unfulfilling existance(I wouldn't even go as far as to call it a "life") here with my toxic family that doesn't want me here anyway and constantly makes that very clear and to start a new chapter in my story, maybe even a happy one, but at least a different one, a change, a fresh start, a New Me, a new beginning..... I could sell the house( and buy one there which is actually affordable, unlike here), take my share, just enough for what I need to buy a little place in the small Italian town, and to furnish it, plus enough savings for my expenses, and the rest to the kids, and just enjoy my new life....run, little hippo.... I can learn Italian easily enough,too since I already know 4 languages anyway and learning languages comes easy and naturally for me and luckily is my strong skill( along with history and geography) so that won't be a problem and I would enjoy doing.

I also was in prayer yesterday and I asked who Jesus is and the answer that whispered into my mind was ....a preacher, a teacher, a rabbi....yet nothing about actually being God's Son... and I got the impression upon me as well that the reason my friendship with Patti ended was actually to set me "free"...it was doing me a favour so that I would no longer feel "indebted" to her or like I "owed" her anything or that she had any "hold" over me any longer as since I got Buddy thru her ( even though he was her son's dog it was due to her that I ended up getting him and if I'd hadn't been friends with her I never would have had him) and she always wanted to visit him and I felt like it was in a child custody case where I was "obligated" to let her visit him whenever she wanted, for fear she might take him back if not, but once she ended the friendship and blocked me I was free. I'm really worried about Buddy,too: during the night for the past 2 nights he shit on my bedroom carpet(I was woken by loud squishing squirting sounds and the distinct stench of shit) and the 17 YR old says to put him down, but if you kill someone because they're old ( he turns 15 in 2 weeks) and incontinent then my mother would have been euthanized,too, because she wears adult diapers and shits herself as well!

This morning Buddy also twice did what I thought  was more shit on the carpet downstairs in the hallway and on the stairs but it was actually just all mucus and blood, bright red blood, and it scares me he's bleeding inside somewhere, yet his nose is still cold and wet, a good sign he's not sick, and the mucus indicates more likely a gastro upset, so I'm hoping it's just something he ate(and he is still eating and playing and acting normal), or maybe he's been poisoned, or we both have( as my abdomenal pain has been worse the past few days,too) or we both ate rotten food( like with Listeria or some parasite or something, and I always share my food with him) or maybe even something sharp he may have swallowed, but it worries me so much esp. at his age, and the only thing is when his time does come I just hope and pray that he's NOT suffering, in pain, afraid, or alone, and that I'm with him and he's snuggled up with me and is aware that he's safe and loved in my arms and that I'll always be with him,and that I die with him,too; that we both go together at the same time because he is my life and my world and the only one that loves me and that keeps me going, my anchor, and without him I have nothing and no one left anymore and no reason to live. He's like the Velveteen Rabbit  as well, in that children's book, old and well-loved, and ragged and worn apart and falling apart, but well-loved and thru the eyes of the one that loves him the most he is the most beautiful dog in the world, despite the increasing white fur, the wart on his back, the raggedy chewed-up arthritic hip, the limp, the scabby face, the swollen belly, the chunk out of his tail, the Death Breath....he's the best thing to ever happen to me in my life and the greatest gift God has ever given me.

Tomorrow child # 7 also turns 23 and the 17 YR old says most girls she knows like dumb guys too but I never did; all the dumb guys ever talked about was beer, sports,and cars and I never had anything to talk about with them and need interesting meaningful conversation, and for the past 2 days I smell this weird smell both inside and outside that no one else smells and it smells like acetone, sort of like nail polish remover, so I wonder if it's just due to my congestion or what? I've had it other times too though only it's usually a burnt toast smell. Whatever it is it's really annoying! My lower left leg also feels really swollen and tight and itchy too so I wonder if maybe I have a spider bite or something on it since it's winter and there wouldn't be any other bugs around?

If life were a symphony I would be a soloist.