Should I Though?

I have this desire, this craving to treat myself to some fresh flowers, in particular, some sunflowers, to perk and cheer me up esp. during this dreary snowy cold wintery February, which is always the hardest month to drudge thru; I feel like I just need a real cheery Pick-Me-Up so I went on the local florists' websites and took a look and the longing just got even stronger but the thing is that they're just so expensive(or at least for my budget now, there used to be a time when I'd think nothing of walking into a florist and dropping a couple of hundred$$$$ on a bunch of arrangements just because I felt like it and wanted some flowers in the house, and I also miss even just going to the outdoor markets with the vendors and picking up a bouquet of fresh flowers.....I miss life, life the way it used  to be, the life I used to have before) so now here I am debating it, should I....or shouldn't I? I know  both my hubby and my mother will hassle me endlessly no end how what a "waste" of $$$  and stupid it is and how I know I'll never hear the end of it and wonder if it's even worth it, and then there's also the worry that someone, knowing my family, might sabotage it(such as chopping off the flowers from the stems or bending them to kill them, for example,) just to hurt me because they're mean like that...but then again I also really need something to lift my spirits and I found 55$ in my purse I forgot I had, so.... maybe I could order them online and  just get them delievered and somehow just "sneak" them up into my room without anyone even knowing(no one ever goes up there anyway to see) and that way be able to enjoy them only without  judgement, criticism, hassle, or any problem? It can be early flowers for my funeral only thins way I get to enjoy them now... Now I'm wrestling with myself what I should do, get them or not.....shit...being crazy is hard! 😁

I also heard US Prez Biden bombed  Syria along the broder with Iran and now any respect I once had for him and happiness I felt when he won the election is now gone as I have zero respect for war-mongers and even Trump as bad as he was never bombed  anyone and why does USA always bully everyone and attack other countries( and without impunity!) all the time anyway? (and then they act all surprised and offended when the other countries fight back!) and I heard as well Sherlock Holmes used cocaine  too and I don't know if that's actually true or just a rumour and that surprised me although back in that time period it was used as a tonic though and was an ingredient in Coca-Cola  and was commonly used but if so then I guess my hubby will "have" to stop liking him and "blacklist" him now too since he's just a high-and-mighty judgemental asshole and if he discovers you use drugs in any way  he will write you off and drop you and you're done,  no matter the reason. He even did that to me for my medical marijuana that I have a legal doctor prescription for! He hated me even before; this just gave him another "excuse".

I came across this yesterday as well: apparantly it was a doll back in the day although I never remember seeing it. Isn't it just the saddest thing ever? I was so sad seeing it and I was immediately drawn to it as it reminds me of myself  and how I feel in life; unwanted, alone, cast-off, excluded, outcast, sad, longing for love, acceptance, validation, a hug, to be wanted, included, valued, worthy, good enough, accepted, loved, chosen, asked out, desired, liked, etc. and it just resonated with me so bad and when I saw that sad face it just made me melt because she looks like exactly how I feel inside and this sad little doll  expresses like how I feel most of the time ever since I was 13 and it really touched me. I can just soooo relate to it.I also thought the other day that it would be harder in the UK to kill yourself than it is here since they don't have electrical outlets in the bathrooms so you wouldn't be able to electrocute yourself, for example, by throwing an electrical appliance into the bathtub, such as a hairdryer as there's no place to plug it in so I guess over there they'd have to get more creative... One thing I also still enjoy doing( there are some thing you never outgrow or get too old for, such as stomping on Bubble Wrap) is stepping on layers of thin ice so that it cracks and shatters like glass. I used to do it as a kid and I still do. I can't resist whenever I walk by a frozen puddle with a thin layer of ice over the top, I just have to...I don't beleieve in aliens either but if they were real why does everyone always assume they're bad and want to harm us? maybe they're nice, or even more likely, just like humans; some are nice and others are not?

Love, is the absence of judgement’’ - Dalai Lamai.