The Paper.

After 2 nights of Buddy shitting on my carpet  overnight in my bedroom I got smart: last night I put down a bunch of newspapers ( like shown above)  so in case he had diarrhrea and had to do it again( which as it turned out he did, luckily a much smaller one and this time thankfully it was brown not red so there's no more bleeding thank God!)  it would go on the paper, right? Well......not exactly. We only had a few pieces of paper, around the same amount you see pictured here, left over from last week's flyers as the rest had already been recycled, so I covered up as much of the carpet as I could....and with my "luck" wouldn't you just know  it he shit on the part that wasn't covered, the little f*cker, and he also shit on part of one of my stuffed toy plush hippos too that was sitting on the floor,too( gasp! Oh, no, not one of my hippos,and it was a light pink one,too, so it was really noticable) so once again I had to clean it up with toilet paper and use the stain spray and scrub with the brush then spritz the spot on the carpet with a bit of perfume and open the window and burn an incense stick to get rid of the smell......all I can say is he's lucky I love him so much and am sympathetic knowing he can't help it if he has diarrhrea and I'm just glad he seems better the bleeding has stopped but I'm getting pretty tired of this every morning for the past 3 days! He knows he's been bad too as he gives me those sad Dachshund eyes and a guilty look on his face and slinks down with his tail between his legs and hides under the bed.

We also got alot of snow overnight  and the school buses were all cancelled this morning and that's one thing my kids always hated about being homeschooled is they never got Snow Days off school, and on the radio they said our entire county which incl. our town plus a couple of others only has 8 cases of the Corona virus yet everyone's still under lockdown and the businesses can't open and it's just all so stupid and unnecessary and it should  be decided on an individual basis according to case numbers, and I heard some guy with the surname "Osbourne" came "out" as gay too but I have no idea who he even is, so I was like, OK, good for him, but who the hell is  he,anyway?  The only Osbourne I know is Ozzy and he's definitely NOT gay, and I read we should appreciate the amazing accomplishments of Black Canadians too but I can't even think  of any "amazing" Canadians, Black or White or otherswise; this country is just a joke,  and I heard as well some country singer got called-out and bawled-out for using the N-Word  too but I'm not surprised; what do they expect  from some ignorant backwoods redneck hick,anyway? They're pretty much all racist!

The washing machine gave me trouble again the other day as well and it kept adding on extra time so the regular 30 minute load ended up taking  2 hours and took forever for me to finish a load of laundry and I wasn't able to stop it and just run it thru the spin cycle to wring the clothes out either and had to re-set it re-do it all over again, requiring another cycle of water too which meant I also  had to pay  for all that wasted extra water as well ( and guess who pays all the utility bills? Me!) and I was so frustrated and mad and my hubby thinks it's my fault for being  so dumb and not being able to understand these Smart appliances that are too complicated for me but it's his fault for buying such a complex machine( instead of a more simple one that's easier for me to use like I wanted)  he knows  very well I'll have trouble with! I also wonder if for people with mental illness if suicide ( which is a desire of the soul for transformation and to be set free) would be considered death by "natural " causes since it's so prevelant?

Today is also one of the Edmonton Boys  birthday: he's now 23 and this is the card I sent him; I've always luckily had this funny weird off-beat relationship with him, the oldest,and the 26 YR old where we can be rude,tell crude jokes, make vulgar comments and say gross inappropriate things and laugh, a closeness and bond and connection I never had with the girls and they never understood, and of all the kids he's always been  The Sick One , having had so many medical issues in his lifetime ( incl. leukemia  when he was 7 and suicide attempt as a teen!) and coming close to dying before, during, and after birth a few times, but God obviously has a plan for him and his life, and I remember too when the kids were little they said they used to actually "compete" who was the "sickest" too because the sick one always got the most attention and the most time spent on them because they had the greatest need at the time but there's no question that with cancer (not to mention all the other things) the 23 YR old "wins." As for the other kids we also have The Bossy One, The Smart One, The Quiet One, The Diva, The Prankster, The Pretty One, etc.

Last night I also accidently took the wrong plate off the counter for my food ( I remember placing mine on the table and they all look the exact same and I got mixed-up and thought it was mine, an honest mistake) and my mother starts ripping into me something awful yelling at me and shaming me for taking someone else's even though it was an accident and I really did think it was mine and being on The Spectrum this kind of thing happens to me alot; I get confused and mixed-up and I screw-up and I screw-up alot  and make alot of mistakes and she always yells at me and shames me and makes me feel like shit and I told her I know I always screw-up; the story of my life! You don't need to always remind me! and she said if she doesn't keep telling me I'd screw-up even more than I already do but I don't really think that's even possible and she always reminding me and constantly telling me how dumb and what a failure and how inadequate I am doesn't help and just makes me feel even worse about myself and my deficits than I already do.I also realized she's been like this and it's been like this my entire life; she's always  so quick to point out my shortcomings  and to jump on me and criticize and shame every time I make a mistake and make me feel humiliated ashamed and feel badly. Maybe my self-esteem was already low because of her and then the bullying in school only made it worse and just finished it off completely? I've never been told, or made to feel, that I'm good enough.

Bullying and abuse shatters your beingness.