My Ass.

I have this really annoying sore, stinging, bleeding thing on my aresehole, a lump and it's either a hemmoroid( the most likely) or some sort of tumour(rectal cancer, perhaps, which is rare, but then again I am often that rare and unusual one-out-of-a-million statistic) but it's right at the end of the hole and it rubs on my pants and irritates and when I wipe after I shit it really hurts and I often find smears of blood on the toilet paper or on my underwear. I can't actually see it because of it's remote hidden location and I can no longer twist and contort like I used to be able to all I can do is try and reach around when I'm sitting in the bathtub and try and feel it but going by feel feeling things always feel bigger than they usually actually are, and I'm too embarrassed to go see my doctor since he's male and it's,well, on my ass and it's not like when I got the colonoscopy a few years ago and they found the polyps; I was asleep during that and it was a speicialist I only saw once and I'll never see them again but this guy I see all the time so it's more personal and embarrassing and I don't want him looking at my ass! So I'm going to put hemmoroid cream on it and see if it provides any relief and resolves on it's own or not and that should give me the answer as to if it's a hemmoroid or not....that's how I'll be able to tell the difference.... the other night I think I might have also had another seizure in my sleep during the night as Buddy had hopped off the bed and was sleeping on a bunch of blankets that had landed onto the floor like he does when I do and I woke up with a massive headache as well and really tired and with every muscle in my body super achy and sore like I do after,too, so.....

Yesterday I kept smelling this acrid burning smell as well on and off llike a fire(and I'll never forget that smell forever ingrained into my mind, and how time just seemed to move in slow motion as we sat stunned and helpless on the neighbour's lawn watching our house burn down all those years ago) both inside and outside yet there was nothing and no one else smelled it so maybe it's a "phantom" smell or I have a sinus infection or something and I think the hallucinations might be back again too as last night I 'saw" a shadown of something scurrying across my bedroom floor at night but when I turned on the light nothing was there and this morning I "saw" the walls "breathing" in and out,too, and normally since we're broke we have to settle for the crappy shit-less frozen pizza but since this is a long holiday weekend yesterday we splurged and actually got to order-in real actual pizza and it felt so luxurious and the other day I watched a movie too and my mother gasped You paid 20$ to watch a movie?  and I had to reassure her that, being both poor and cheap, that I didn't; we just download shit for free, and the guy's also coming to check our leaky kitchen roof and my hubby tried to do my Income Tax(I could never do it; too much math and waaaay too complex for me) my mother normally does but she's not up for it anymore,either, but he gave up on it as he kept asking me all these questions about it I have no idea what he's even talking about so he just got all pissed-off and gave up so I guess it's just not getting done this year then?

Yesterday it was oddly nice and quiet and peaceful as well( the 17 and 26 YR old were both at work) and assumed the 14 YR old was busying himself quietly on his computer as he wasn't around being provoking, goading, annoying and shit-disturbing like he normally does so I was able to have a nice good nap.....but it turned out he was over at his friend's house the entire time! HA! So that was why!  He also taunts me being a free-spirit and rebel too but I happen to like  having my own mind and thinking for myself and NOT mindlessly following the herd like a blind Sheeple, going along with the crowd; I do my own thing and play by my own rules and now with the Third Reich...oops, I meant the Third Wave...sorry, common mistake, with the so-called "pandemic" they're trying to ruin Passover and Easter now too by limiting how many can attend worship services and telling people not to gather in homes to celebrate, etc( yeah, I know, F*CK THAT!!!!!) and it reminds me of how the authorities at the time also intruded upon and ruined JESUS' Passover supper (the Last Supper) and arrested Him as well......something to ponder this Easter, and more people are finally starting to wake up and finally see the tyranny all these lockdowns, stay-at-home-orders, show-me-your-papers, curfews, mandates, etc. really are; an assault on our rights and freedoms and it's just a matter of time now unt they revolt and finally the revolution I've been waiting my entire life for will finally be here!! I found out there was an anti-lockdown protest here in town yesterday actually but I didn't know until later or I would have gone.

I also saw this cooking site on Facebook that asked the question What's your favourite thing you like to bake?  and I couldn't help but answer, Myself! and I saw someone had accidently written Easter as Raster too and it cracked me up as it's a new word: What do you call a Rastaman celebrating Easter? : Raster!  I read as well that a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet and I just thought that was so cute, and I came across this amazing thing online as well but now I have to figure out where to rent a nitrogen tank, and a thought also occured that I have survived 6 suicide attempts so far and if I was a cat I'd have 9 lives so that would mean that I still have 3 lives left...I feel like my story is coming to an end soon,too as my marriage is done, most of the kids have grown up and moved out, both my mother and my dog likely don't have too much longer left to live, and I won't have anything left anymore...

“It’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you have not done.”