Scared!

I've been really scared for the past 3 days: yesterday and the day before the big sore on Buddy's face under his eye(the one that never heals up and goes really deep) has now started bleeding, something it's never done before; it's had pus oozing out but never blood, not even when he keeps scratching at it and I meticulously keep cleaning but 2 days ago when he was out having his walk the scab just popped out, basically exploded and blood oozed out and ran all down his face and neck and there was alot  of it too and it would randomly happen a few more times that day as well, and he wasn't scratching at it as I was closely watching him all day to make sure that he didn't so that it would heal and then yesterday it was even worse; it happened 8-9 times spontaniously and not only blood but also clots came out as well as chunks of flesh and fatty tissue and I irrigate it with sterile saline/ water using a special syringe and afrer I do the bleeding lets down for awhile after I flush it out and I fill the hole with an antibiotic cream but it worries me as it must  be cancerous, some sort of necrotic tumour that's eating away at his face, esp. now with the bleeding; what else would do that, and you can tell it's painful too because he winces when I clean it but he lets me because he trusts me and knows I'm not going to hurt him and I think it must feel better afterwards too because when I'm done he'll look up at me with big sad Dachshund eyes and wag his tail at me as if saying Thank you and when his face starts bleeding and the blood runs down he always comes over to me, as if he's asking me to fix it. I also give him CBD oil for pain.

Yesterday twice he also went off and hid, once under a bed and once under a couch and it worries me too as when dogs are dying they can sense the end is coming and they often go off somewhere on their own and hide to die and it scares me he doesn't have much time left and even though I knew that this day would come(and he is 15) I'm still not ready for it and I'll never be "ready" for it and I can't lose him and I also don't want him to die alone,either,but in my arms where he belongs, and the 17 YR old keeps saying to "put him down" too but I won't; I won't kill my best friend and he still enjoys life; he still eats, goes for his walks, plays with his toys, enjoys sitting outside in the sun, cuddling with me on the couch or in bed, etc. and the only way I'd even consider it would be if he was incapacitated, like if he had a stroke and he was unable to move and couldn't walk, stand up, move his head, eat, etc. I can't let him go though; he's my entire world, my entire life, he's my everything and the only reason I've still been alive for the past 7 years is because he's been here beside my side; we're inseparable and he's the love of my life and no one has ever loved a dog more. He's an angel in the form of a dog and I love him more than anything in this world and he is my anchor, my rock, the only one who loves or cares about me, my best friend, my companion, my soul-mate, the best thing to even happen to me in my entire life and without him I will be so lost, so lonely and have nothing left anymore and no reason to live anymore, no reason to carry on, to go on, to keep fighting. I pray to God for strength for what lies ahead.

The other day my hubby gave us a scare as well: he said he was going to Harvey's to pick up food and it was 2 HRS later and we were still waiting for the food and he still hadn't come back and it shouldn't take that long and the 17 YR old phoned from work also wondering where he was saying he was supposed to pick her up and she phoned his cell and it went to voice-mail so I told her to get a ride home from a co-worker(if it's dark I don't want her walking home alone) so I phoned him too and got the same result so we were starting to get worried; her, my mother and I. Where was he? Was he in a car accident? Did he have another psychoti episode" like he'd had before like that time where he wandered off barefoot in the snow mumbling to himself and the police found him? Had he just simply left like the father that says he's going to the store to buy smokes and never comes back? Did he sneak out to see a woman, or what? Where was he? Where did he go? What was taking so long? At first it was worry, and a cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach what if he really was in a car accident? What if he was even dead? Even though he's an asshole I still wouldn't wish him dead the next thought was Maybe he just left? and I felt at first a panic of uncertainty as in Well, what do we do now? but then a sense of relief and freedom washed over me, and a reassurring feeling feeling that we're going to be OK; God will take care of us just like He always has and my mother and I did fine before him and we'll survive after,too. As it turned out he hadn't left but said he was up in his office the entire time and he just didn't answer his phone or he said it didn't work, or whatever, but he had everyone scared and then he denied  causing any issues and said that we just like to start drama even though we did distinctly hear the beep of a door opening where it's rigged to the security system to let us know whenever a door is being opened s someone went out 2 hours before and no one could find him and the car was gone....

I also got the new mango-infused weed I ordered but it didn't taste like mango at all; it just tasted like weed and it burned well but it was really strong and it generated lots of smoke and the smell was really strong as well and it made my eyes water and I practically coughed  up a lung so I'll be going back to my regular less-expensive pre-rolled joints that only cost 22$ a pack and one of my cousins with kidney issues and recently had heart surgery got the OK from his cardiologist and is now cleared for a kidney transplant, so now all he needs is a kidney, and the neighbours put out a white dresser on the curb and someone had just taken 2 drawers out of it and left the rest which I thought was odd; why would you just want 2 drawers but then later on the rest of it was gone too so then it made sense: it was likely the same person who took the 2 drawers first as a kind of as an "insurance" as they were likely walking by and that was all they could carry but with 2 drawers missing no one else would take the dresser so by the time they could come by later with their car van or truck to pick it up it would still be there. That's my guess anyway.

I also realized that we no longer have any more kids left; just teens and adults now. The youngest is 14 and the second-youngest turns 18 next month and that's sad. I had always defined my adult life as being a homeschooling mother (the 17 YR old finished her work and has graduated so only one student left now and he's a genius and in highschool aready in grade 11!) and now the kids are grown and don't rely on me or need me or depend on me anymore I don't know where I fit anymore or what my identity is and once Buddy is gone I won't have anyone to dote on, to look after, to take care of, and no one to love me, need me, depend on ,me,  everything and everyone will just be gone and suddenly I don't have a place or a purpose in the world . The Fascist gov't tyrants are also now( as well as the lockdown) imposing a stay-at-home  order starting tomorrow and lasting for 28 days due to the "pandemic" (boy, this is sure getting old; it's been over a year now and this is just something we're just going to have to adapt to and live with; life goes on)  so basically you're under house arrest and a prisoner in your own home and if the police see you outside they can arrest you. Welcome to Nazi Germany revisited. This is NOT the kind of world that I want to live in.

There is no such thing as temporary suicide.