Today is now day 4 of my dire SHITuation and later yesterday afternoon I finally did a small tiny bit of diarrhrea that squirted out, but nowhere near what it should have been after 3 days of bad constipation and 4 laxatives, and I still feel all plugged-up and full and like I have to go so I know that there's still lots more in there, and it was almost as if it has just seeped out from around a blockage and this morning I did a small Tootsie Roll size log and that's it but the abdomenal pain is still sooooo really bad with the worst on the right side and I even wondered for awhile there if it might even be my appendix, which can sometimes mimic bad constipation but then decided against it as I don't have a fever. but the pain is soooo bad I had to smoke weed twice both yesterday and the day before and it just took the "edge" off! Yesterday I also had that "restless" feeling I get too before I have a seizure but I didn't have one that I'm aware of although I generally have them at night during my sleep and Buddy also kept whining and licking my legs as well, as if he could sense something was wrong and he was trying to comfort me or heal me, like how when dogs hurt they lick the sore spot and I also saw a raven yesterday too and wondered if it might be a harbinger, a sign, that I'm dying soon...
My mother also said she still remembers when I was 4-5 years old and my cousin(who was a few years older) who was more like my brother had this Black friend who used to ride me home from school on the handle-bars of his bike and one day I said to her, I love Bradley and I want to marry him except I'm the 'wrong' colour. She thought it was just the "sweetest" thing and how I thought that it was me that was the "wrong" colour, not him, but I think it's just sad, sad that because even at such a young age I had been somehow "conditioned"by society to think that people of different races couldn't marry, which I now know NOT to be true, and I have been socially aware and a political activist for as long as I can remember and can remember first being "woke" from about age 12 or 13, when I became aware of the Irish hunger strikes and in grade 7 wood shop class making my project that of a Mohawk Indian in solidarity of Native People who had been mistreated.Speaking of which, yet another Residential School, this time near Regina, unearhted over 700 mass graves of Native children, and they estimate nationally that there could be over 6000, and it's like Canada's Holocaust and the way I want to "celebrate" Canada Day this year is by burning the flag!
I saw the season finale of The Blacklist as well and Liz was shot and killed! I can't believe it, but I guess the rumour my hubby heard about her not returning for next season was right afterall, that's so sad though even though it's just a TV show and I have to keep reminding myself of that, and I saw a question posted online too What would you rather be known for: your good looks, intelligence, or good luck? and I don't have any, and the Powers That Be are letting hair salons and other businesses now open 2 days earlier than expected from the lockdowns,too; wow....a whole 2 days early! Our overlords are just soooooo "good" to us! We should bow down and gives thanks, praise and adoration to our Supreme Leader for his kindness, benevolence and genorosity! What I expect though to soon follow is they'll say some "new variant" that is resistant to the vaccine has emerged, "forcing" us into another 3 month lockdown......I bet.....just you wait and see.....that seems to be the pattern, and once they take your freedom away they don't give it back; it's like losing your virginity; once it's gone, it's gone. I was also thinking despite how shitty my life has been with all the traumas, bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness,hardships, etc. there was some happy times,too, such as a happy childhood, fun times with relatives, pets,and friends, summers, being at the cottage and camp, travelling the world and seeing all the amazing things I've seen such as the pyramids, the ancient ruins of Pompeii, etc. so I guess it wasn't a complete and total bust...
It seems everything I do is either wrong or not enough. I'm sorry that I'm such a burden.
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