9 Weeks Old.

Tomorrow my sunflowers will be 9 weeks old and now they are even taller than I am( and I'm 5'6). If you look closely you can also see tiny little buds in the middle too but they're nowhere near opening yet. Every summer I always put lots of time, work, effort, and love into cultivating my sunflowers but it's worth it in the end to have such beautiful flowers to look at, enjoy and love; the fruits and success of all my hard work and effort 3-4 months later. It's sort of like having kids in a way; you put alot of time and effort into it and sometimes it pays off in the end and other times it doesn't; sometimes they grow up good and strong and you get good ones and other times they end up stunted, rejects ,don't thrive,and not successful despite your time and effort. I had 11 of them so the odds were pretty good that most of them (or at least enough of them)would end up ok.Speaking of kids, I heard a funny word for kids the other day: crotch monkeys and it will always make me ferhoodled  too that the kids hate me so much for being autistic and having bipolar yet at the same time my hubby also suffers from mental illness( what they used to call MPD) and they have seen his "episodes" yet they don't hate and blame him for it or hold it against him yet for some reason they do for me and that's just not fair or right. neither of us can help it but why do they still like him despite it yet they hate and blame me for mine?

I always wondered as well the relative that molested me as a kid from age 4-12 if he did to to others  as well, like perhaps my younger cousins and later maybe even their  little girls, too, but I never had the nerve(or the courage) to ask, and for some reason at the time anyway I thought it was just me and it never occurred to me at the time that he was a pedophile anyway,and I didn't even know what that was; I just thought he was an ugly fat loser that couldn't get a real girlfriend so he had to force little kids. Yesterday I also had such a baaad headache, back and abdomenal pain and my right kidney hurt but when I tried to have a nap every time I could feel myself drifting away Buddy would keep loudly barking and pawing at me and wouldn't let me sleep; it was as if he didn't want me to go to sleep fearing I wouldn't wake up, but would that really be such a bad  thing? I think it would be a blessing and I was wearing my frog T-shirt too so it would be sort of funny and ironic if I died too.....frog....croak...get it?

I also had a dream the other day I was up in my bed and my hubby came in and aimed a shotgun at me snarling, Maybe  now you'll finally shut up!!  and my last words and final act of definace to him were giving him the Up Yours  with my middle finger and saying F*ck YOU!! and then he shot me dead,  and yesterday he said (about the Olympics ) We don't have any medals yet and I told him I don't care; I couldn't care less  about the Olympics  and I never watch it but if I did I'd cheer for Jamaica  anyway, and now in the Toronto airport they even have separate entrances  for vaccinated and non-vaccinated  reminding me of Segregation and Apartheid with separate entrances etc. one for White only and one for Coloured  only and this is a scary shocking horrifying evil thing but at least in my case the Non-vaccinated line will be the short line!

I've been dying since the day I was born.