Missing Her.

I miss her.I don't mean as much because she's been in Vancouver for 3 months now( and my hubby doesn't think she's going to come back and who can blame her, I mean, what is there here to come back to when she's in the city and has everything there? She just has to return my suitcase I let her borrow when she comes back to visit, Christmas I guess) since she's been treating me badly anyway for the past several years now, but I miss her when she used to be nice and sweet and kind and when she used to love me. I miss the time when this photo was taken and when I look at it tears come to my eyes, I get a lump in my throat and my heart tightens. It's so much harder actually to lose someone who is still living. We used to be so close and then as she got older she just suddenly stopped loving me, needing me, confiding in me, showing affection to me, and she just cut me off and out of her life  and completely shut me out and wanted nothing at all to do with me anymore and I was now the target of her rage, her insults, her resentment, her fury, her anger, her smart-remarks, her cruel remarks, her hurtful comments, her hate, her distance, and all I ever did was love her and it really hurts. It just completely broke me. I miss her and what we used to have and I look at these old photos and it's almost like remembering and longing for someone that's died. You know that they're gone and you're never going to get them back but you fondly remember the good times and the happy memories and all the love and you're so grateful for the time that you did  have yet at the same time it deeply saddens you that it didn't last for long and was so abruptly taken from you.

My cousin who had the heart-attack also had 3 stents put in so he must have had some sort of blockage and he's now home from the hospital recovering and my friend's son is still in a coma on life-support and he had a surgery during the night too to place tubes in his chest to drain fluid from around his heart, and her family like ours has had more than their fair "share" of trauma and misfortune,too: she grew up in foster care, had her first child( the one in the coma) as a teen,  her brother died in his 20's,her youngest was also born with only 1 kidney, and 2-3 years ago she almost died( and was, in fact, revived so technically she did "die") in a horrific car crash and had a traumatic TBI and she had to learn to walk, talk, read, write, etc. all over again and spent months in the hospital and still has to go to rehab and has no sense of smell or taste , has speech issues,and has no memory of her life before the crash.I just can't understand why certain people (like her and us) have so many hardships in life while some people(most,actually) hardly have any, and either because of my autism or because I'm an Empath I can never understand either why people can hate eachother because they're a different race, colour, religion, etc. For the life of me I just don't get it; we're all just people. My hubby also was talking to the new neighbours and they're from Toronto and sold their house for 2 million$ and moved here and are working from home( computer and accounting).

My friend in Brazil also posted on her Facebook  that she's in Tokyo at the Olympics  but she posted it on Thursday(photo here) and the opening ceremony didn't start until Friday so I thought that was kind of odd so I mentioned it to her, plus I heard on the news that they weren't allowing any spectators due to COVID but she just laughed and said I am where I am but I don't know what  to think; the photo looks  real enough and there's even Japanese people around her, but maybe she just photo shopped it? I don't know, she is  rich though and has travelled so maybe it's real? I just thought the timing seemed off. I also mentioned how my friend V( from grade 6 and who I named my second-oldest after because I like the name) has 4 kids and her oldest turned 33 and she has a few grandkids now and my mother asked about her husband and I told her she's never been married so then she asks if the kids have all different fathers and I was like, Seriously? WTF? I'm not going to ask her that! even having autism I know that's NOT something you ask someone! What am I going to say; hey, I want to know if you're a 'ho?  I also really crave Spumoni ice cream lately too but you can't find that around here in this backwoods hick-ass town and no one here even knows what it is or has even heard of it, and my swelling is so bad now too with my fluid retention( even though my doc doubled my diuretic) when you press down on the top of my foot with your finger it leaves a big indendation, a dent that stays there in shape and place for several minutes; it's like when you push your finger in dough and it leaves an imprint.

I also gave my sunflowers some plant food/ vitamins/ nutrients I added to the water so hopefully that will perk them up and stop the yellowing and drying leaves, and the other day I was smoking weed at the back and I had the back door closed but forgot to close the front door(I had open for fresh air) and the smoke just wafter all around the house and went in thru the front door! It found a loophole; there's always another way and when one door closes another opens! Facebook  also deleted another of my anti-vaxx posts yet again and called it "false information" and censorship and not allowing differning opinions is another sure sign of tyranny and I bet the new Delta variant they're touting now is really actually just reactions to the vaccines but of course they'd never admit it, and my hubby was berating me and calling me stupid too because I don't know which plugs go into which outlets in the computer even though not everyone can be a computer geek like he is and the 14 YR old called me stupid too but at least I can't help  being stupid but they can  help being mean  and I'm so sick and tired of how my family treats me too and I really want a divorce from my hubby except I don't have any $$$$ for a lawyer, and I was fine before I met him( in fact I was happier!) and I'll be fine after, but my mother would kick me out first before she'd ever ask him to leave as she likes him more as a "son" than she's ever "loved" me as a daughter,  and before I used to think my cousin's ex-wife was awful for leaving her husband and kids but now I have my own toxic family I can understand why she did it and it was probably either that or commit suicide, and sometimes I think too I should just toss the radio into my bath with me so at least I can die with my music.

I am waiting for something fatal to happen to me because staying alive is too much for me to take.