My Toe.

I have a broken toe! I know it's broken too because I've had broken toes before and I know what it feels like.The broken one is the one just under the "k" on the tape seen here. The only way I think it might have gotten broken was a few days ago when the pointy end of the screen door slammed on my toe(I always go around barefoot all summer) although it was on the one beside it(the one next to the baby toe) and split it open to a deep cut) and boy did it ever hurt like f*ck (and did I ever scream!) and I hopped around, screaming, grabbing my foot and yelling obsenities, but I put an antibiotic cream and a Band-Aid on it and that was that and a couple of days later I took it off and only that's when the toe next to it started to really hurt and I noticed an indentation; a dent in the middle where the bones meet and I can hardly even walk it hurts so much so I know it's broken so now the 2 toes are just taped together for support because that's really all you can do for broken toes anyway. I also found out that smoking weed gets rid of broken toe pain,too, although by accident; my back, abdomenal, liver and kidney pain was off the scale again yesterday( so bad I felt sweaty, nauseated and faint from the pain) so I hit the bong to relieve it.....and then also noticed my toe didn't hurt anymore after,either! A bonus! It gave me pain relief for 4 hours,too!

We also had a bad storm the night before last too and some of my sunflowers didn't make it; they were knocked right over and a few were even snapped right in half; I guess there are just some storms that we can't weather, and Buddy's feeling better now, back to eating and wagging his tail again so I guess it was just a bad days, and some days are just better than others; some good days,others not-so-good, and I had these weird dreams as well I was at this place with all kinds of Dachshunds and one had 2 heads; one in the normal place and another where the tail-end would be, and another one the size of a German Shepherd; it still had the short stubby legs it was just huge and weighed like 100 pounds and all the red ones looked just like Buddy,and another dream we had Christmas at my fave. aunt's( like we have before when I was a kid) who I last saw when I was 13 and when we were leaving she was prepping for her next guests and she got everything all-out, all kinds of decor, incl. Christmas curtains and loads of presents, obvious that she favoured them over us. I also saw a Snowbird the other day fly by as well( the plane, not the old folks that spend winters in Florida, like my grandparents and various aunts and uncles did),too.

Here are also some of our sunflowers from my garden, and I'm always finding weird shit in the washing machine such as coins, money, credit cards, ID name tags, crayons, Kleenex, batteries,etc. too but the other day I found the strangest thing yet in the bathtub: a sliced mushroom, and I look like a blowfish as well and with my big pointy ears that stick out they can be my fins and I read a therapist said that bipolar people(like me) are irritating, annoying,and grating  as well and my family are always saying that about me, so maybe that's why? They also hate my autism,too, and,in fact, I think that just my mere existance irks them, and the other day I had to send the 26 YR old to the store to get me some ground beef as I needed it to cook dinner that night and we never had any and I asked him while he was there to pick me up some sunflowers too(and to pick up a little treat for himself while he was there for his effort) but he said they never had any but that they would be in the next day so yesterday I asked if he'd go and pick them up for me, a small thing to bring a little joy into my life, but he didn't want to bother; it's not worth the effort just for me. even though it would have really made my day.It hurts too that I'm not worth the effort for anything and no one cares enough about me to bother. Sometimes I think I'm just not meant to be happy. he says that Happiness comes from within but not for me it doesn't; when you have depression you don't make your own seratonin and there is no "happiness" within; you need supplements from outside sources in order to achieve even a tiny bit of it, and I find mine in the love of my dog, in music, reading, being outside in the sun, at the beach, in beautiful things such as sunflowers, art, God's creation, etc.

My mother also yelled at me because I ate the chili she wanted to 'save" for the 14 YR old even though it was in the freezer for anyone and didn't have a name on it,and I have to eat,too, and we had more downstairs in the deep-freezer, and when I told her off for her bizarre obsession with him she sneered, What are you, jealous?  and I told her, No, why would I be jealous? I think it's pathetic!  and she also yelled and chewed me out too for putting the meatloaf( which I cooked!) away in the fridge the "wrong" way,too( I put it in a bag instead of a plastic container and I didn't pre-cut it all into pieces but rather left it whole for each to cut to his own liking/size) and she shrieks at me, You always just do; you never ask!  and I told HER I'm 54 years old and I don't  need her "permission" for anything anymore and to get over herself! She really is something, but the worst thing she ever said to me was when I was in my early 20's and I finally told her I was molested by a relative age 4-12 (I had to tell her as at the time my hubby was using it against me to blackmail me in a custody battle)and the first thing she said to me in reply was:

Why didn't you stop him?

Really?Seriously? I was 4 years old!! What did she expect me to do?The worst thing my father ever said was(I hadn't seen him since I was 2 when he left but thru a mutual relative we re-connected by e-mail when I was in my 40's shortly before he died and we exchanged photos) that I Wasn't much to look at, but it didn't matter.  It hurt to be told by your own long-lost father that you aren't much to look at. I know he also said that it "didn't matter" but all I heard was the "not much to look at" part. That's the part that will always stick.I know  that I'm not, but couldn't he just NOT have said anything? I've always been, been treated, and been made to feel rejected, unwanted and like I don't matter; that I am somehow "less-than."  Air Cadets also finally starts up again next week  after being shut down for 18 months or so but not likely the 14 YR old can even go since he doesn't have the vaccine/Mark Of The Beast  but he said he doesn't really want to go back anyway( it was always my hubby that made them go to Cadets whether they want to or not and only a few of them even really liked it) and my mother also asked my hubby to get her 2 banana splits at DQ  and she's a diabetic and shouldn't even be eating  any of that crap anyway so he never did and he told her, Do you also want a Coke, chocolate bar and donuts with that,too?

I also got the election lawn sign for the People's Party Of Canada ,the only one that stands and fights for freedom against the mandatory vaccines , vaccine passports and lockdowns and now they are also suddenly surging in the polls, and the 26 YR old didn't know I had requested the lawn sign and thought someone had just randomly stuck it there so he yanked it out and tossed it out and said to me Who is that purple bitch on our lawn? and I freaked, and ran out and put it back! He said election signs are "tacky", like pink flamingoes, but they're political statements  and advertise the candidate and party hopefully to encourage others to vote for them,too. I could vote strategically  and vote for the Conservatives who statistically are the most likely to defeat the Liberals (anyone other than the Liberals!) except I also want to vote with my conscience and ethics as well, so I'll be voting PPC this time, normally I vote NDP(Socialist) but not now since they support tyranny and oppression and are now no different than the others; usually they fight to defend  the people's rights, and the 26 YR old and I also invented this aristocratic character as well: Albus Theodore Hollingsworth Rothschild Hilton III  Count of Bavaria.  We've always had this bond and comical "banter" between us and I'm grateful for it and I hope too when I die that some of my $$$$ he can use to open his jiu-jitsu studio he's always dreamed of, and I live in a big country now but want to move to a small country and I just want to be set free; free of myself, my life, my family, and just start over again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for my real life to begin.