Re-Post From Last Year.

 Re-post from my blog last September. Some things never change:

Every time now my hubby goes out for over the past month I've asked him to look for and pick up a bouquet of fresh sunflowers for me but he always returns home empty-handed, claiming they never have any anywhere or that it's not the season which I know isn't true because my own sunflower and the neighbour's have come and gone, yet still nothing, and last year at this same time my mother used to find them at the grocery store every week, once a week for over a month and bring them home, incl. the exact same stores he goes to, so I truly doubt that they never have any, and I suspect that he either doesn't even bother looking(because it's just something for me or because he knows it's something I love and he doesn't want me to be happy or do anything nice for me or that would make me happy or bring a bit of joy into my life) or he sees that they are there but he just walks right on by without picking them up and just tells me they're not there figuring I won't know the difference anyway because I rarely get out, because he's an asshole like that and I get suspicious of him and his motives and intentions because not only has my life made me suspiciious by nature and experience but also because he always does me wrong, lies to me, deceives me, mind-f*cks me, and goes out of his way to make my life miserable and to be a Verpisser. 

Everytime I sing aloud with a song the 13 and 17 YR olds also always yell at me to shut up, to stop singing and even to go kill myself,too, and even though I can't sing doesn't mean I won't and when the music hits me and I've got the music in me it just can't be helped and I won't let them kill my Reggae, my Rock & Roll, my vibe, or my joy,and they're always telling me to shut up and won't let me express myself or be me, but they can just SUCK IT, and who died and made them "boss" anyway? I'm a grown adult and I can do what I want and if I want to sing, I'll sing! It felt like a knife in my back too the oldest said I am a terrible person but then I felt better when he also said he still loves me no matter what I did in the past and normally I don't care what people think of me but when it's someone I love then I do. Today is also the third day in a row my stomach really hurts too and it feels like I got kicked in the stomach and the pain level is a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale and I wonder if maybe it's even some sort of cancer or something, esp. to hurt like this and for so long, perhaps stomach, liver, or pancreatic cancer, and how can I tell too if my darkened skin lately is from my suntanning or jaundice from my failing liver.....or maybe even a combination of both?

Yesterday the 25 YR old also made this delicious roast duck for dinner and he looked like quite the chef in the kitchen as he was preparing it( and duck isn't an easy thing to cook,either and you have to get it just right) and the preparation took almost as long as it did to cook it but it turned out nice and tender, moist and juicy and even I liked it whereas before I never really liked duck and remember it as greasy and having a "wild" after-taste but the way he did it it was good!I was also surprised he'd never heard of South Africa's former Apartheid segregation system between Blacks and Whites before either and so I educated him on the racist policy and I can remember when I was young, just 18 or so attending anti-Apartheid rallies and protests, and as a young writer having articles published in the paper about the topic and even having a specially-made shirt for the cause, and boycotting goods from South Africa such as fruit,etc. in protest; always an activist. My hubby also has this week off too, either more holidays or for all the overtime he's done lately and I just try to stay away from him to avoid conflict by either being outside( unless it's cold or raining) or in another room,  and Buddy did another diarrhrea on my bedroom carpet last night too and had a tiny drop of blood in his merde this morning,too, and he's also the only one I've ever really been able to look right into the eyes,too; with everyone else I have to avert my gaze(it's an Asperger's thing) as looking people in the eyes makes me feel REALLY uncomfortable and awkward and it's also not uncommon for people on the autism spectrum to form close bonds with animals though and to feel a closer connection with them than with people, and I hoipe too when I die that I'm like an autumn leaf, just gently,and quietly let go and have a gentle breeze carry me off silently.