Yesterday the 27 YR old said I have a "learning disability" "low intelligence" and something-or-other about an "Echo Chamber" and made me feel really dumb and I have autism; it's different; it's not a learning disability; it's a different way of thinking; my brain is just wired differently, and I was on the Honour Roll when I graduated highschool and I went to college(something he never did) so I'm NOT as dumb as they think I am, I've just become so beaten down by years of my toxic family's abuse,conditioning,and gaslighting that I have no self esteem or confidence anymore and they've now even convinced me that I'm dumber than I once was and it really hurts, and he's just like my hubby,too; they both think that they know everything and that they're smarter than everyone else and they look down condescendingly and talk down to people they deem "dumb" and not "worthy" of them, their time, or discussion, and even say things like, I don't know how to explain it so someone with such low intelligence can understand it... talk down to me like I have Down Syndrome or I'm a child and they always make me feel so stupid, like such a failure, a loser, a fop, and he's studied courses online and claims it's "equal" to 5 university degrees and "lords" it over me and other "dumb" people , reminding me of the bullies at school; to make themselves feel better about themselves and their own low self-esteem they abuse, put down and bully others to make themselves feel "superior.
Yesterday I also had this white-hot sharp searing pain rip and tear thru my left abdomen like I've never had before I literally saw stars and I wonder what it was and my pain in general is worse too and everything hurts and I can even feel my heart and lungs are tired and can feel them wearing out and giving out and most times I can hardly even breathe and I struggle for breath, (and I notice my fluid retention is worse, esp. my lower left leg; it's so swollen it looks like an elephant leg),even though my hubby and 27 YR old make fun of my breathing problem and say I just "made it up" as an "excuse to be lazy" even though I have a written diagnosis of Alpha 1 anti-trypsin deficiency a sharp gastoenterologist suspected and tested for and it came back positive but my toxic family has never been understanding, sympathetic, or supportive of my medical issues, struggles, or pain,and the 27 YR old sneered yesterday as well all I do is sleep and smoke weed all day. I'm just so tired of all this; of chronic daily(and worsening!) pain, with my toxic family, and no not even any escape anymore; I just want to die and finally be set free. I'm ready. I 've been ready for a long time.I don't have to worry either about leaving my family behind and if they'll be ok; they'll actually be happy I'm gone and I'll be doing them a "favour" by removing myself from their lives.
Yesterday I also had a hygge afternoon looking at my beautiful tree and watching the snow fall down outside in the background out the window behind it, and had candles glowing at the same time, and also when I get sad I imagine beautiful majestic hippo faces peeking out from under the water and it makes me smile,and I always get melancholic around this time of year for some reason as well and the Darkness creeps in, and I notice as well the bruise on the back of my hand from the IV last week is now an upside-down triangle shape that looks like a "V"; V for victory; victory over my life, and the 22 YR old also won first place in a writing contest as well, and she's always been a high achiever, and surprisingly though out of all of the kids the one I'm most proud of is the second-oldest; even though we've never got along as people I do admire that she was able to fulfill her dream of moving to Japan where she lived and worked for 3 YRS as soon as she graduated university,and it's not an easy thing to do either, moving to another country(I know; I've done it) esp. on your own and so young, and the one I'm most disappointed in is the oldest(who I used to be very proud of) because he achieved his degree in Business and Finance and then just basically threw it all away and went into construction, so all that hard work, time, study and $$$$ all for nothing; it's like he's going backwards,and construction is only when you're young, healthy and strong, what about when he gets into his 40's? I was disappointed with the 27 YR old before too as he never went to post-secondary and just works at the grocery a few days a week(so not much "ambition" in life) but then when I also saw that he was content and happy with a simple lifestyle, not greedy, doesn't require much or need much,isn't stressed out or in debt, and likes his job and is happy with his simple life that's all that matters.
Poor Buddy isn't doing well today. Last night he did a bloody shit with gel-like congealed blood and then twice during the night big bloody diarrhreas on the paper on my bedroom floor and a big pee (and he never pees in the house!) and this morning for his walk just blood poured out of his ass along with a clot, and he barfed as well, so he's not doing well and it really scares and worries me; he is my everything, my entire life; he is the only reason I still keep holding on and without him I'll have nothing left. He's all I have and the only one that loves me.Losing him will just be the Final Straw. Being a low-rider he also gets snow on his dick when he walks thru it too so he literally does freeze his balls off and I gave him a dog cookie for being good getting his nails cut and the 27 YR old said to me, You should give him a smack! and I told him, I should give you a smack for watching that stupid Family Guy show! He also said the kids are all so skinny(genetics) because they "didn't get enough to eat" and were "malnourished" too which isn't true since we spent at least 600$ a WEEK on groceries and my prego Facebook friend is going to name her baby after his father too(like my aunt and uncle did; named one of their sons after his father) which I think is vain; kids should have their own names and identities, and my brother-in-law's 2nd ex-wife also got an Advent calendar for her dog; you open up a little window and it reveals a dog treat for each day. I never knew those were a thing! I think it's awesome and cool,and I found out as well knots in wood are where branches were on the tree!
The strong shall not oppress the weak.- Hammurabi
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