Remembering Babushka.

I've been having dreams about my Babushka(grandmother) alot lately and she looks similar to the photo here( but with glasses) you know, the typical white haired short haired, cultured proper religious old lady and she had the nicest blue eyes, a big nose,was tall. and had really big boobs.She was also a "cold" person that never showed affection and never once said I love you so I don't actually know if she ever really did love me as she was emotionally distant or maybe that's just the way she was but nevertheless I hope when I die that she's one of the people that greets me in Heaven.  She actually had 4 grandchildren as my father had 3 other kids with 2 other women but I was the only one that she acknowledged as her grandchild as I was the only legitimate one( conceived in marriage) and I visited her generally once a week and on Christmas.I remember I was always trying to get her approval as well and could never measure up; the story of my life; never good enough for anybody, in my family, or anywhere. She was born in 1912 and died at 93 and was an extraordinary woman ahead of her time that I admired. She grew up with 5 brothers so she learned how to use a hammer and saw,etc. which was good as Dedushka (who was a banker) was useless in that area, but Babushka was the one that laid down the  carpeting and built the deck at the back of their house! She also played piano(but she said her youngest brother had the real talent and gift for it) and she could knit, sew, and crochet, and she made draperies, sewed her own clothing, drove a car before women drove, was in the army in WWII, was really good at math, very intelligent, and even worked before women did and became a buyer for a big department store and travelled all over Europe . She also had a Sixth Sense for things like I do and could "see" things ahead of time, "felt" and "knew" things that were unexplanable and was deeply religious.

Now the Fascist gov't also announced that they're NOT ending the vaccine passport next month like originally planned but extending it, just like I figured all along, and I bet probably will forever, long-term and we'll never get our freedom back, and it makes me feel so helpless, hopeless, despondant, trapped, and desperate, with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,and no escape; I'm just trapped, a prisoner in my own country,and they're pushing a third vaccine on everyone now as well( it will never end) and my bottom lip is split and swollen bruised and cut and I never did anything so my guess is I must have had another seizure in my sleep overnight and bit my lip, and my Fcebook friend is in her third trimester now too and she said she hates being prego, and I've always loved it; just NOT the labour, and Buddy's shits are back to normal today,thank God, no more blood, and we had empanadas yesterday for a snack but I only got 4 and they're so small; little mini things that fit in your hand so I was still hungry and I said so yet when my mother didn't finish hers she gave the left-overs to the 14 YR old even though she knew I was still hungry and there used to be a time where she would  have saved them for me(I guess because there simply was no one else) but now I feel almost as if I've been "replaced"; before it was with the second-oldest and now with the 14 YR old; whoever she picks as her favourite at the time,and it hurts too that I'm so unlovable that no one else can ever love me and I can't even love myself.

I also found the perfect card for my hubby for our upcoming anniversary(on the 16th) too, and one of my cousins in Europe had an adventure yesterday eating at a restaurant out with her family: a woman at the next table over threw a drink at her man but it missed and hit my cousin and her family and they got soaked so they got a free meal for the trouble and then the others walked out without paying,and I was thinking of somone I knew back in highschool the other day as well; most of the people in that school were from the wealthier neighbourhoods with only a few exceptions but this guy always presented himself as preppy, rich, classy, cultured,dressed well( even had the sheepskin coat) etc. you get the idea and then one day I found out that he actually lived in the ghetto and I was shocked and disillusioned and I thought what a phony, pretending to be something he's not,just trying to impress people, but then I thought another way, maybe he's just trying to better himself? and sees his future potential and sure enough now he has a Master's degree in Business and lives in a condo in downtown Toronto so things can change and situations can improve and get better....just not for me.

One day somewhere,I'll get to a better, lighter, happier place.