Second Christmas.

Yesterday we had our Second Christmas with the 22 and 25 YR olds(shown here) and their BF's but after all that waiting for the 20 YR old to video-call from Vancouver( they're 3 HRS behind us time-wise) she wasn't even there but at work, but the second-oldest and the 18 YR old were and the girls never even ate any of the Christmas dinner we had saved for them,either, not even a slice of the pumpkin pies we got from our friend's bakery! I never said anything(but am just venting here) but I was shocked by the 25 YR old how much worse she's getting and seems to be deteriorating; she was always Goth ever since she was a teen and I was hoping it was just a phase that she would outgrow but now she's even deeper into it and it's creepy only now she looks more S&M and looks like a dominatrix and she's porked up alot now as well and her voice sounds funny,too, like she's been sucking helium and I'm dismayed to learn as well she's basically dropped out of  school (when she only has 2 courses left until she graduates with a degree in psychology) saying she "doesn't know what she wants to do with her life" like my mother's cousin's son who was in his last year of dental school and dropped out and took off for Australia; I mean, why get so close to graduating and then just quit? At least finish and get your degree; what an utter waste of time and $$$.

Here they are with their BF's and both the BF's wore masks but one took his off when he saw that no one else was wearing one but the other kept his on the entire time and of all of the kids only one of them (the 22 YR old) even bothered to give me a Christmas gift,too,yet the girls all pooled together to get my mother a sapphire blue Oodie that costs 100$. The 18 YR old even sent gifts all the way from BC but nothing for me. So yesterday I had to bear sitting there watching everyone else open gift and gift after gift and I just got the one. She gave me these nice warm burgundy chenille fuzzy socks with sherpa lining  and little rubber "pimples" on the soles to prevent slipping and a funny cuss word colouring book and I laughed so hard and even learned a few new words! She was even thoughtful enough to get Buddy a present as well: a squeaky toy(he loves) and dog chews! He knew there was something under the tree for him too as he kept going at the presents sniffing them!

The 27 YR old even got the 45 pound tungsten cube he wanted too; all the siblings pitched-in together as a group to get it for him, shown here, and you can see the density and weight of it as it sits on the blanket and dents it, but it's small and fits in the palm of your hand; he's a collector of odd and unusual things, and at the end of the day my hubby also gave me this weird Dr.Seuss Fox in Sox Pop! figurine too I have no idea what to even do with and for one thing I don't even like Dr.Seuss and have no idea why he'd even give it to me and my guess is that it was someone's unwanted Christmas gift they want to re-gift and no one else wanted it so he just gave it to me feeling "sorry" for me that I hardly got anything and gave it to me out of pity? I always feel disrupted, displaced, uncomfortable, depressed,and suicidal when the kids visit as well, most likely as it reminds me that I'm not a part of this family and I never really was and when I asked why the 27 YR old said years of emotional abuse  and that I should try to be more involved but whenever I do they always push me away and say things like No one asked you! I wasn't talking to you! You're not part of this! etc. and it only makes me withdraw even more,and I asked them what I ever did to make them hate me so much and they say You know! except I honestly don't; I have no idea what I said or did  other than just being bipolar and autistic, so maybe that's just it? The oldest once said I didn't do anything in particular it's just the overall atmosphere in our family as we've been thru alot of traumas. and maybe it's also just the stress of living with an autistic bipolar mother? I'm sorry though for whatever it was and it certainly wasn't my intention and I had no idea.

I'm always so deeply deeply sad and the only reason that I haven't killed myself yet is I don't want to leave Buddy all alone because I know he loves me and would be devastated even though no one else would care I couldn't do that to him; he's the only reason that I still keep holding on. I wonder as well if my stomach pain might even just be due to stress and anxiety, and my fave. time of day is sundown, where I lay on the couch in the living room cuddling with my dog, watching the Christmas tree lights twinkle by candlelight. It's just so peaceful and serene and my quiet hygge time.

I'll see you on the Dark Side of the moon.- Pink Floyd