The Hallucination.

I'm pretty sure I must have had a hallucination yesterday although it might be real, I can't be sure, but I think  it was a hallucination because Buddy seems perfectly fine afterwards and today so logically it would appear I just imagined it although at the time it felt very real and it was terrifying, scary, frightening and convincingly real: Buddy was in my arms and he started contorting and screaming this painful spine-chilling wail like I've never heard before, thrashing around in agony, yelping loudly in pain and dying in my arms, and I was crying and begging God not to let him suffer like that; to be merciful and take him quickly, when after about 15 minutes(I checked the clock) he perked up and jumped down, shook himself off,and was fine......so the question was did it even actually really happen ...or did I just imagine it? In any case the most important thing is he's ok and he's still here and we still have more time( my heart was the most broken it's ever been at that time I was sure I was losing him,and to see him suffering like that; I thought something inside was rupturing or he was having a stroke or something just ripped my heart out) but the question is was it even real? Did it even actually happen, and if not, what caused the hallucination? Was it just a bad 'trip" from weed, even though it doesn't usually affect me like that, or is it just my bipolar, or am I under undue extra stress and it brought it out, or what? I also found out thallium poisoning can also cause hallucinations,too, so then it makes me wonder even more if my hubby really is poisoning me....

As for being poisoned, I even asked my hubby if he's poisoning me trying to kill me and he just casually replied, it's just  your unhealthy diet even though I take lots of vitamins and natural herbal supplements so it's likely NOT that,and what shocked and surprised me too was his reaction to the accusation; it didn't even phase him; he wasn't even mad, or offended, or suprised that I would even ask or think that, and I think that's chilling in itself,and he didn't deny it,either, and as for thallium or arsenic or any heavy metal the 25 YR old's BF does have some science PhD and works in a lab so it is possible my hubby could ask him to get some for him, only just not tell him what it's for; it's not like he's going to tell him, Can you get me some thallium so I can kill my wife? He also does ask me how much I weight( I refuse to tell him) but I always just thought it was so he could taunt me with fat elephant jokes but maybe all along it was to calculate how much poison to use? It would seem like the "perfect" crime too since I'm crazy no one would believe me anyway and just think it's crazy talk and I'm just being paranoid, or that I even killed myself, but if I was going to kill myself I'd do something quick and painless; NOT something slow and painful like poisoning, and even though I am crazy it doesn't mean that someone still can't poison me,too! I know for a fact my hubby would also enjoy watching me die a slow painful death.

I also found out a Facebook friend and her 4 kids left her abusive marriage and she just filed for divorce and all along I had no idea, which just goes to show you never really know the struggles people secretly have in their lives and the darkness they bear and the heavy burdens they carry, and whenever I try to bond with, connect with, include myself, or be a part of anything with my family they always send me away and tell me to get lost,too, so I don't even know why I even bother with people who treat me like that, and for the longest time the left side of my nose is always stuffy and blocked and I can't breathe out of that side yet the right side is clear and perfectly fine so I wonder if something might be blocking it, and I realized as well as a kid I never spent a weekend or even overnight at my grandparents' house; I visited them often, like once a week, but only during the day, so maybe sleepovers at grandma's is only an American thing or something? 

The 27 YR old and I also had a discussion about vengeance VS justice and he says if you right a wrong yourself or for your own family it's vengeance but if someone else does it, it's justice but I think you can do both at the same time and it doesn't matter who does it; for example, if someone killed my kid and I killed them it would be both vengeance and justice and if I shot someone who raped my hypothetical sister's kid it would be the same; you can also avenge other people,too, and it's still justice no matter who takes "care" of it. My mother also quipped about  all the plants I have in the house, it looks like a greenhouse in here!" and my hubby complained how my weed stinks up the entire house too even though I do it outside( for him!) so since he still complains anyway I might as well just smoke inside and save myself from freezing out there, and now they're saying everyone needs a third COVID booster vaccine and are researching vaccines on Babies now,too, just as I have been saying all along, only then it was mocked and just called a Conspiricy Theory....

I just want to go deep into that place and curl up where I feel safe, warm, protected, loved, happy, peaceful and enveloped like a cocoon, where I'm accepted and no one and nothing can hurt me anymore.