This is one of my cousins in Europe's house, lights all decorated for Christmas, and this weekend she went to the cinema 3 days in a row as well and last weekend her and her best friend went to a swanky resort for a Girls Weekend and she's always eating out at restaurants,too. She really knows how to enjoy life.She also has alot more freedom over there than we have here. The 27 YR old also wants a tiny mini tungsten cube that fits in your hand but is so dense it weighs 45 pounds but it costs 3K for his Christmas gift so not a chance, and the 25 YR old always tries to ruin my Christmas every year by giving gifts to everyone except me too but this year it won't work because she's not coming up until the 26th but I just consider where it comes from anyway and try to not let it bother me, and I'm glad the 20 YR old's not coming as she always thinks she's Miss Thang and I don't give in to her vanity and pride so she's always haughty, snotty, nasty,catty,and bitchy to me, and my mother actually watches those sappy Hallmark Christmas/love movies too and isn't even embarrassed to admit it either(I'm embarrassed for her!) and I saw a hippo and a Dachshund menorah as well I thought was awesome and I'm not even Jewish! I think I'm getting a cold as well and the other day I had a weird dream the sky turned strange colours and had weird sounds and my mother asked what was happening and I said Jesus is coming back! and she says We're all going to die! and I told her, No! We're going to live! and my highschool friend O (in Toronto who now has a PhD in psychology) also wrote a book and is looking for a literary agent to get it published.
My hubby also hired some kids to rake and collect all our leaves so now I don't have anything to wipe Buddy's ass with when he shits, and we did have some nice snow a nice blanket of white covering the ground like a fantasy winter wonderland( and I loved standing outside with my face turned up towards the sky sticking my tongue out feeling the big fluffy snowflakes fall down on my face) but now we're having heavy rain and it washed it all away and someone actually left their pants outside the front of our house,too; a pair of grey trackpants, and I thought the sour cream I put on my nachos smelled a bit "funky" but I still ate it anyway because I was hungry and it was all I could find and then shortly after I felt sick. Oooops! I saw the funniest name ever as well: Throckmorton; it sounds like he'd live on a vast estate that's been in his family for generations that has stables and a tennis court, and he has servants, a yacht, his own private jet, attended Eton and Oxford, has a title of nobility,etc. My kids are lucky they missed out on that one, ha, ha! I was also high at the time too so it was even funnier! I also heard they found COVID in deer and hippos now,too, so are they going to kill all of them off now,too? I think it's just something we're just going to have to learn to live with, like the cold or Flu, and in NB some grocery stores now require a vaxx passport for entry so they're starving us out now, and soon we'll have to keep chickens and grow our own food,and I saw a video of PM Trudeau as well pleading parents to vaxx their kids and I swear he was high as a kite, rambling, obviously high on coke!
My mother also tried to cheat me again,too by saying I owed her 600$ for my expenses too( as well as the 600$ I already paid for my share of the bills) and I was suspicious so I had her actually show me the bill and my part was only 145$ and she was trying to charge me for other stuff,too, incl. food and even my own Christmas gift from my hubby! WTF? The 14 YR old also yelled at me to shut-up and that I'm "annoying" and my mother says she's tired of me always complaining too but I'm tired of always being disrespected, my voice not being heard, not mattering, my needs not being met, being ignored, dismissed, demeaned, devalued, and treated like shit,too!When I said I'm tired of always being blamed for everything my mother also replied curtly, You should be used to it! My hubby was also getting food at McDonald's the other day as well and I was really hungry and wanted a Combo meal but he said it was too expensive and he just got me a Big Mac and said he wasn't going to pay the extra 3$ for the fries(I'm not "worth" it) so I was still hungry and it reminded me of that old TV show I used to watch Everybody Hates Chris where Chris and his siblings had to share a Happy Meal. I'm tired as well everyone always leaves the room and just leaves the lights on too and I have to pay the hydro bill which is usually 300$ a month and I swear the next person that does that is paying the hydro bill the next time,and I'm happiest too just being left alone somewhere nice and quiet by myself where I can cuddle with my dog, smoke weed, listen to my music,and enjoy nature. I saw a shooting star the other night as well and made a wish but it didn't work because I'm still alive, and you know how salmon swim upstream to spawn and as soon as they lay their eggs they deform , wither away and die, and that's exactly what having kids does to you,too.
My Facebook friend L also lost custody of her 8 YR old son and wrote this haunting heart-felt piece I'll share with you here,and that's how I feel too now my kids have turned their backs on me; I do e-mail them and try to keep in touch but I hardly ever hear back; they've basically just cut me out of their lives and it's like I've "lost" them and I'm just starting over a "new" life now:
A major milestone in #Accepting that I was #pregnant and going to be a #Mother was the Inevitable Loss of my Child.
I was torn and wrangled between my not so recent reality, the pregnancy and the inevitable outcome of having a baby, a child and being a mother - once and for all time from then onwards.
Fccccccckkkkkk!!!
The outlook of what was to come, the deep outpouring love I knew was going to be developed - and with it the abyss of possible pain which accompanies such a love and walks hand in hand with Love....
I was destroyed inside!
So one quiet evening, I took to bed early and let myself simulate all the worst-case-scenarios I could fathom and come up with. I deliberately, intently and specifically tore myself to pieces - making every scenario as real as possible to make sure I felt it into the depths of my bones and soul.
I cried and I cried, I tore my teeth into my sheets to hild back the screaming, whaling and howling to not alarm anyone else in the house. This was for me and me alone.
Once I exhausted as many scenarios as I could muster and was emotionally purged and exhausted I fell into a deep, restful and peaceful sleep.
My dog is the only light in my life. Without him the light would go out and there would only be darkness.
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