Heartshit.

Yesterday for my birthday only 1 of the out-of-town/province kids even bothered to take the time out of their busy lives and schedules to wish me a Happy Birthday; the oldest, who sent me an e-mail(and even said he loves me,too!) and when I sent him the response I thought  I ended it off with 2 heart emojis...only I hit the wrong key on the last one and it ended up to be a shit emoji instead so he actually ended up with a heart and a shit emoji and then when I realized it I quickly scrambled to try and fix it but it had already been sent off so now it was damage control  and I just quickly followed it up with a reply explaining what had happened and he luckily thought it was funny and called it a heartshit. I like that new word: heartshit; it explains exaxtly how I feel most of the time,toomy heart feels shitty, broken and longing, alone and hurt, ,only one of my kids loves me, I have no dreams left, no future,my dog is all I have, I'll never heal from all my traumas,and "losing" the 18 YR old really hit me hard, esp. since we used to be so close when she was younger and we had a good 10 years until one day she just suddenly decided that she didn't love or need me anymore and turned completely away and just shut me out and decided she hated me and it just utterly gutted me but luckily God saw how broken and hurting I was and knew exactly what I needed and sent Buddy to fill in the void as  I had just "lost" the person that I loved the most in the world and I was shattered and I prayed for Him to send someone for me to love and to love me and He sent me Buddy and I've never loved anyone like I love him. 💓

My mother also was preparing birthday cards for the 23 YR old whose birthday is next month and so she asked me how old he'll be and I told her, Well, he's 23 now so he'll be turning 24 this year; that's how it works...yet even so when I went to sign the card she had written Happy 25th Birthday  so I tried to fix it best I could hoping that he won't notice, and today I woke up with this horrific headache and I still have it and all yesterday both stomach and abdomenal pain soooo bad the best way to describe the feeling is it felt like it was all hard and full of cement and had been kicked by a horse. I can also tell I'm old now too as the other day I had chest pains and I first thought I was having a heart-attack when really it was just heartburn from the tacos I ate!😄

I also came across this(above) in one of my Facebook groups and it was just so funny I had to re-post it and share it here:That guy is my hero! My Brother from Another Mother.

I told everyone yesterday that they had to be nice to me too because it was my birthday so I had a good day but for some reason the pain of "losing" the relationship I used to have with the 18 YR old when she was younger played on my mind( and these memes here reflect that) and it's not that I miss her that much now  as an adult since she moved away to Vancouver 9 months ago but rather I still miss the closeness that we used  to have and who she used to be and the relationship we used to have as she was the girl that I always wanted and dreamed of and hoped for, and,in fact, I even saw her in my dreams years before she was even born and I had bonded closest to her more than to any other person and then to lose that and to have it abruptly taken from me like that was just devastating, to lose the person you love most and are the closest to.

I love this photo as it reminds me of what it used to be like and what we used to have. It makes me cry in happiness and sadness; happiness for what we once had (and grateful we had  those 10 years)and sadness for what we lost. I also couldn't find my thingy-dingy but it was in the dishwasher and now they claim the hospitals are "overwhelmed" and "over-run" with COVID cases,too. Oh, really? I thought the whole idea of getting  the vaccine ( AKA The Mark Of The Beast) was to lessen severity of the virus and lessen or prevent hospitalization? Oh, what? They lied again? Either that,of course, or it's NOT true and they're just inflating the statistics to try and "justify" their increasing tyrannical lockdowns. Either way something's "fishy..." It's "funny" too how the new Omicron variant that started off in South Africa just naturally "petered-out" on it's own with pretty much just natural and "herd" immunity and running its course as only 25% of the population is vaccinated yet here close to 90% are vaccinated and they say it's 'so bad" (even though it's a milder version than Delta) and enough to "justify" their Draconian measures....yeah...riiight....

wake up!!!!

Facebook also "flagged: me again for posting "false" information for posting an article from a speech Kissinger gave in 2009 about eugenics. You know you're speaking/exposing the truth when your evil overlords censor and try to oppress and silence it.

Let go of people who aren't ready to love you.-Anthony Hopkins