Herr Tannenbaum.

I finally took the decorastons off the Christmas tree but it msde me sad as I;m going to miss it as it brought me such joy and I don't want to see it go so what I did was still kept the tree itself up in the living room(next to the ficus) to live amongst my other house plants, only without ornaments, so it's NOT a Christmas tree now but more of a plant and I named it Herr Tannenbaum whuich means Mr.Fir Tree. This way I still get to enjoy it all year, still beautiful in its natural state. My hubby noticed but instead of taking it down like I thought he would he didn't care and even said to leave it there for all he cares as it's less work for him as even thogh I do and un-do the dfecorating he does the lights( because he doesn't like the way I do it and he says I always mess it up) and puts up and takes down the tree. So now it's just like I added another plant inside the house.  I also found 2 teabags hanging on the ficus like ornaments and it's weird yet not expected; in our house nothing is surprising anymore, and I watched the new Matrix movie as well(which was good) and f*ck the tyrannical Police State for banning unvaxxed people like me from going to the cinema, and thank God for downloading and this way I also save over 12$,too!

I also heard that now Quebec( also the most nanny-State and racist of all the provinces, not to mention also the worst drivers,too) will even be fining people that don't have the vaccine, so what next? Off to the gulag or extermination camps, and trying to get a photo uploaded there was this annoying thing on my screen that said enter search term and I don't know how it got there or how to remove it and when I copied my photos it was still there and copied with the photo so I had to really crop and edit it so it didn't show but it's hard to do when the words are right near the heads without cutting off the heads, and there's nothing quite like smoking weed and watching 3 candle flames dance and sway in rhythm to my music; in sync with the beat, and I didn't have any dinner last night yet even so the 27 YR old didn't give a serving of his yummy pasta he made but ate it all himself, nevermind his poor starving mother, proving he doesn't give a shit about me just like the others and it's sad too to realize that no one has ever really loved me except for my dog, but at leastI know his love is real and will last  always and forever, unlike the kids who decide one day that they hate me.

Today I also barfed,  see double at times,am so dizzy I can hardly walk and feel like fainting all the time and I even sharted my pants when I woke up this morning,too; I thought  it was just a fart and then I could feel something wet so I checked,,, and ewww and I'm pretty sure it was because of all the pills I took last night before bed; I tried to kill myself again and again it didn't work; I'm such a failure I can't even succeed in suicide and it should  have worked as I took an anti-nausea pill before so I wouldn't barf the pills up and I took an entire bottle of BP meds, with the idea it would lower my BP so much my heart would stop and added a handful of Benadryl and Trazadone  for good measure, just to be sure....but nothing happened(today my BP is 120/69 amd heart rate 85) and I woke up today still alive ad now I'm pissed off. Why is it so hard to die? Is it just not My Time  yet and God won't "recall" me yet, or due to years on medications I've built up an "immunity" to drugs, or I'm immortal and not able  to be killed? My mind and thoughts are all scrambled up and foggy today too from the pills too as they attempt to clear from my system so if I made any speling or grammer mistakes please excuse it but at least you kniw it's real and how my thinking and brain is today so for that reson I'm not going to edit it. This is the real, raaw version.

 Now for the reason; the last straw: last night I was on my computer weith Buddy curled up beside me in the rocking chair and I was singing along to AC/DC as I had the music in me and it couldn't be contained and the 14 YR old ordered  me to stop singing and I told him he's NOT the boss and can't tell me what to do and he said that I can't tell him what to do,either, and I said I can because I'm the parent  and he's the child  and then he got a knife  and raised it at Buddy and I in a menacing way, threatening us and I wasn't scared but I was mad and it only proves my concerns about his really are valid even though my hubby and mother always dismiss and downplay it and I've just had it; enough already; I can't do this anymore and I'm just done. Of course my mother and hubby downplated it as well, saying he was just joking(but the look in his eyes and his manner I knew he wasn't joking) and I asked my hubby what he would do if he pulled a knife on him and he said,non-chalantly, Grab it off him and probably stab him and he said it was MY fault; that *I* "aggravated" HIM by singing, and that I :hate" him, which I don't, but I DO hate his attitude and can't deal with his behaviour anymore, and my hubby also said that the best way for the kids and I to get along is for them to separate themseloves from me, as if I'M the problem, but if so, then I simply removed myself from the equation and then everyone will be happy; I'll finally be free and they'll be rid of me. The 14 YR old also said not too long ago for me to kill myself or him to kill himself as if it's me or him and I don't want him harming himself or anyone else so if I'm the problem and I'm gone then the problem is solved,right? I never even told my simya about my attempt last night,either, because they wouldn't care anyway and my mother would say, Why would you DO something so stupid? I never have support anyway and they'd only make it even worse.

Stop living in fear.-PeterSweden on Twitter