Never Good Enough.

Yesterday my oldest sent me this and he thought it was funny but it made me sad; people might say we were "strict" parents because we didn't let the kids run loose with no rules( well, my hubby often did but I didn't) by not letting them date until 18, with the idea being that they were to concentrate on their studies and not be distracted by dating which was pointless anyway since they were too young to get married so why get entangled in adult emotions and desires when it can't go anywhere yet, plus we didn't want them tempted by worldly sins and pressure or want them teen parents, and we didn't let them go to overnight events or sleepovers when they were younger; not until they were teens (We took them to California, Europe,and the Caribbean when they were young but they were with us, not overnight anywhere alone)but it was to protect them as I was molested as a kid and I was just keeping them safe and being cautious; I didn't want to leave them alone and vulnerable like that with no defense and no way to protect themselves, get help or escape but when they were older(teens) they were bigger, and stronger and had better understanding and more able to defend themselves. They were also expected to go to church every week because I was trying to raise them godly and to be good, moral, ethical people, and we homeschooled them because I didn't want them to endure the bullying I did in school, plus to shield them from the political and Politically Correct crap and indoctrination of public school, not to mention the violence, the peer pressure, drugs, gangs, etc. and it also gave us the freedom and flexibility to do it our way and it gear it towards their individual learning styles and to NOT have them be forced to conform .

We were also being persecuted by an enemy from the past for years at the same time and as a result had to be vigilant and keep a close eye on the kids and it made us more protective than it normally would but to understand it you would have to see the background story behind it. It was all to protect them and I'm the mama bear and I fiercely do whatever I have to to keep my cubs safe from harm and danger. it worked  though; they were safe and they never ended up teen parents, drinking or on drugs, in gangs, in trouble with the police, in rehab, etc. They may have ended up hating me for it but I did my job and kept them safe and raised them to survive to adulthood and I always had good intentions and meant well yet no matter what I do it's never good enough and I fail at everything I do. I told him in response I did my best. Sorry it wasn't good enough.

I also pray that God can forgive me for being me.

I oftentimes just think I should end it all, set myself free, and make everyone happy if I'm just doing more harm than good and I'll just be doing them all a favour by removing myself from their lives and they don't want me around anyway and always make it very clear I'm an annoying unwanted unwelcome burden, but then I think about how Buddy would feel without me; the same way I'd feel if I lost him; and I look at this photo of this heartbroken old Dachshund and that's exactly how he'd feel if I was gone( the story behind the photo is this 18 YR old Dachshund was dumped at a shelter by her hoomans and abandoned as they were "tired" of looking after an old dog and she was so devastated and just clung to the shelter worker) and that's what keeps me going. He is the only reason I still have any reason to live. He is my everything. I also noticed he has 12 squeaky toys scattered all over the living room too so is he a spoiled pampered little boy, or what, and the 27 YR old said if I was starving enough I'd eat him,too, but I wouldn't'; I'd rather starve to death first; I'd never eat him and then he said if I died he'd eat me and now I can't stop thinking about it and I hope that he wouldn't. 

My mother also says I shouldn't have to do laundry,etc, on Christmas or on my birthday( which is in 2days) but life doesn't take holidays off and people still need clean clothes and clean dishes and still need to eat, and one garbage can and recycling box was also stolen after the pick up the other day too; some f*cker actually took it and it was the expensive 35$ raccoon-proof one,too,but then mysteriously a day or so later the garbage can returned  and was back on our veranda, so did they steal it and bring it back (The recycling box is still missing though) or did the 14 YR old(it's his job to do garbage and recycling) just maybe hide it and pull a prank on us or something? I also had Chinese food for New year (now 1 day down and just 364 left to go!) and saw what looked like a tiny little embryo  in my noodles and it made me gag and grossed me out, and I feel jealous a friend got "lucky" NYE too and she's just 4 years younger than me but she's also stunningly beautiful though and I'm an ugly, fat, disgusting pig,  and my fave. English word is f*ck  as it's such a versatile word, and now the Quebec curfew 10pm-5 am you can't even go outside to walk your dog,either, and police are partolling the streets to make sure no one's outside and to make sure everyone stays in their houese; real Martial Law, and I'm pretty sure that I had COVID back in the spring,too; bad headache and no sense of smell for 3 days and that was it; it was mild and I'd much rather take a chance on that than with the vaccine side-effects of heart-attack and stroke!

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. -Goethe