Nothing Left.

It's now been 3 days since I tried once again to kill myself and I'm still here(I was holding on to hope that it still might work, just take a bit longer) but it is still affecting me as I'm still really dizzy, off-balance, stagger around, more un-co-ordinated than usual and keep bumping into and knocking over things, feel faint and weak, and my left arm and chest hurt, my cough is worse and I woke up from my nap yesterday drenched in sweat and so much so my shirt was soaking wet! It could also be I'm getting bronchitis or pneumonia from my cold though,too, or maybe a heart-attack is looming, a delayed reaction from the suicide attempt, which I still hold out hope for. I just can't keep doing this anymore; I'm done and I want out and when the 14 YR old pulled a knife on me that was the final act, and to make it even worse my mother, hubby,and the 27 YR old all dismissed and downplayed it as he was "just joking" when it was clear he wasn't, and the 27 YR old said with my autism I can't read expressions but I can tell he wasn't joking and it was disturbing and he's out of control and I can't deal with him anymore so now the best is just to avoid him and I have nothing left to say to him anymore. I'm done. A cousin in Europe said I should call the police on him, as did my friend J(from grade 8) and said to either have him removed from the house or for me to leave and go somewhere safe as it's abuse and she should know since she was abused herself, and another cousin said my family are assholes so I know it's NOT just me "over-reacting"like my family says and I don't "deserve" it and shouldn't have to put up with it. It also makes me wonder too if the 14 YR old was the one who tried to poison me before,too?

Yesterday I also ordered new weed; flower that was ground, 7 gm for only 27$ whereas at the other place it would have cost 70$ plus an extra 20$ to have it pre-ground, and I also got some hash, 12 pre-rolls and the same chocolate bar the 27 YR old got me for Christmas and it was only 5$ making me realize that he only spent 10$ for my combined Christmas and birthday gifts(so that's all I'm worth) and the other day my hubby went out and got snacks for everyone except me and when I asked him where my food was the 27 YR old sneered, I,I,I, me,me,me! just because I want to be included  and am sick of always being left out,and my hubby's excuse was he didn't know what I wanted when all he had to DO was ASK so later on her finally went back out and went to KFC and I told him I wanted the 5$ Fill-Up with flatbread, popcorn chicken, fries, a cookie and a drink and to get an extra small gravy for the fries(as fries are useless without it)....and he came back with the wrong thing(and never even bothered to check before he left) I ended up with 2 flatbread and fries....that's it; no popcorn chicken, no cookie, no drink,and no gravy! I was mad always being ripped-off and nothing ever going right for me but he refused to go back even though if they got his order wrong he would but not just for me. I'm not worth it. My mother also told me to "Not talk to her" so now not only am I not "allowed" to sing(as the 14 YR old hates it) now I'm not even allowed to talk,either, and when I'm under extreme stress I hallucinate too and see cute hippo faces in everything and it makes me smile; my body knows how to take care of itself, and when I was out on the back porch smoking weed yesterday the cat next-door came up to me mewing and rubbing against me and stared at me intensely with those pretty green eyes and I felt a connection which was weird as I'm definitely NOT a cat person.

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."-Benjamin Franklin