The Missionaries.

Yesterday the missionaries came by again. They did the other day too and I answered the door thinking it was the delivery my hubby was waiting for and to see their smiling faces standing there instead took me by surprise and I didn't want to be rude(because they're always so nice and so polite) but I also don't like talking so I just told them I was busy and hurried them off but then I felt really guilty and they asked if they could come back later and I said yeah, sure...just to get rid of them and then lo and behold just a couple of days later there they were only this time it was my mother that answered the door and this time they gave us a plate of home-made cookies to try and intice us to come back to the old church; the LDS("Mormon") Church where we were members for 2-3 years but then we left and returned to the Catholic church as as I got more into it there were just so many things that they believed and taught that were just plain weird and even blasphemous and I just wasn't comfortable with, such as God was once a man, we can become "gods", that we can rule our own planets and men can have more than one wife in the spirit world, that Jesus and Satan were brothers, and the Temple cermonies were just plain bizarre....I didn't feel comfortable and like a hypocrite, plus I never did believe the whole Joseph Smith thing but I really liked their close-knit family ideals, the close friendship and fellowship, the strong moral compass, and the idea of fitting in and belonging and when you have a crisis they really have your back, and that's what sometimes even tempts me to return, esp. missing my old friends and the fellowship, but I won't because I don't believe in my heart alot of what they do and I don't feel right being at a church unless I really and truly believe that it's true and it's really the kind of worship God wants. I have to give them credit though for being persistant; it's been 16 YRS since we left and they still keep trying!

I also saw this on Quora from Arthur Anders and it sums up perfectly what living with trauma and PTSD does to a person and it describes me, the way I feel and think perfectly so I'm sharing it here with you to give you a bit of understanding of what it's like to be inside my head. Always on alert, can never truly ever really relax or feel safe, always on "edge" and looking over your shoulder, never having your back facing the door, always on the look-out for danger, living on survival mode.  It also looked like bear tracks in the snow yesterday in our driveway which sounds odd but I'm pretty good at identifying animal tracks, and I think I have a cold,too; my ears are achy, I'm congested, my nose is runny, my right eye is all swollen and really itchy and I'm even more tired than usual( although that's hard to tell as I'm always tired) and I think I broke my big toe as well; I was kicking snow off my feet and I accidently bent it backwards and now it's throbbing and really hurts and feels like when I've broken toes before, and the 14 YR old also purposely stood in the doorway blocking me so I couldn't get by and sneered I'm always in his way and said too if he was ever kidnapped he wouldn't want them to bring him back but he's such a little #^&*@ they wouldn't keep him long anyway and would return him pretty quickly .

When we lose our humanity, it’s often times because humanity has somehow, & sadly, lost us.