The Thing.

For the past 1-2 months I noticed I have this thing on my face, on my left cheek and I wonder if it might be a skin cancer; a melanoma as it's always red, puffy, scaly, scabby and bleeds. It goes to a scab yet never heals. It's also the spot always exposed to the sun so statistically the most likely spot to develop skin cancer and I admit that is my biggest "vice"; sitting out in the sun, which I love and find sooo relaxing and therapeutic. I have been out in the sun and getting a tan for as long as I can remember; from when I was 3-4 years old, maybe even younger. I was always outside in the sun. Take a look at the photo. What do you think? It's also my left side of my nose too that's always congested, clogged, and blocked so maybe there's a connection? I feel a stabbing pain behind my left eye at times too I always assumed was my sinus but maybe it's cancer brewing beneath? Lately my lungs feel squeezed as well and I find it hard to catch my breath so I don't know if it's after-effects from my COVID or just my usual breathing issues from my Alpha-1 Anti-trypsin deficiency. My mother also got her monthly pills at the pharmacy and it was 400$ but luckily with her old person discount thing she only had to pay 40$. Can you just imagine  having to pay 400$ a month? Who could ever afford that? Lately I also feel more upbeat, energetic, hopeful, and outgoing, so either I'm excited with spring or I'm in a Manic phase with my bipolar and that's my problem,too; I'm always one extreme or the other; never in-between, never a fine balance, but that's what bipolar is.

I also keep having the same recurring dream I'm no longer ugly and I'm wearing this long sapphire blue strapless satin gown and I'm at a dance at what appears to be a cruise and I meet my True Love but I have the impression that it's also in Heaven, where dreams come true, and the other day something(probably a damn cat) attacked a big bird( from the looks of the feathers I would guess a seagull) in our yard and there are feathers all over and it looks like someone gutted a down pillow and shook it scattering the feathers all over, and I heard as well to enter to run in an election you have to pay a 350 K entrance fee, eliminating the poor from ever having a chance, guaranteeing that only the wealthy ever get to run, and last night in bed Buddy kept making these funny noises and opening his mouth like he was yawning and I wondered if he was having trouble breathing and afraid he was dying and this morning his "shit" was just blood and clotted blood and my hubby says the 18 YR old wants to come visit if we pay her airfare(me being unvaxxed am still banned from boarding a train or plane in this country and I'm not allowed to even leave the country,either) and she's said this a couple of times now and it makes me wonder if she really actually wants to move back home and if so she's more than welcome of course, but maybe she also just wants to see my mother and I one last time before we die,too, and if Buddy's dying  then it won't be too much longer until I die,too.

My computer also has no Internet regularly(everyone else's is ok) and the TV is a piece of shit and now the craptop laptop is dead now as well( sparks kept coming out of it!) and I'm so tired that everything we have is a piece of shit and of always having to settle for crap because that's all we can afford and we just don't have the $$$$ for repairs or replacements and my hubby scoffs that I should be 'grateful' for what I have, as if crap is all I deserve but I don't think it's too "much" to ask to have decent stuff that actually works like it's supposed to and isn't crap and isn't always broken, falling apart, missing pieces, Duct-taped together, half-assed, second-rate, crap, etc. the the TV used to have sound if you watched it live but then the other night it didn't even work for that,either,and my mother and I missed our fave. show so I had him download it and he took his sweet time, not caring, not a priority, and bawled me out for always reminding him but it is important to us and if it was his  fave. show he'd care and want to watch it,(he keeps disappointing me) and he eventually did get it, but I had to watch it on my computer, and the 27 YR old got Netflix  so you know what he's been doing alot lately, and we were watching Monty Python  the other day as well and my mother goes, With subtitles?  and I was like, Uh, what? I understand English and don't need subtitles but then realized she meant closed-caption because we don't have sound but even that wasn't working earlier,either, and I saw a documentary on penguins and when an orca ate one I just lost my shit and was yelling aloud, Noooo! NOT the penguin, you f*cker! Don't eat the penguin, you bastard! It was just so sad even though penguins are predators too, eating fish, it just doesn't seem the same.

“ A soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” Johann von Goethe.