Yesterday.

I saw this yesterday and it really hit home; my toxic family treats me like shit and then blames me for how I react. They say(and make me feel like) I'm this horrible awful person for getting upset and not putting up with( and standing up to) their abuse and fighting back and defending myself and they mindf*ck me and gaslight me and twist it around to make it look like I "deserve" it and have no right to complain, esp. my hubby and mother, but the kids have since learned from them and that's how they treat me,too. I would leave and get out of this toxic abusive situation if I could but I have no $$$, nowhere to go and no way to survive on my own being on the Spectrum otherwise I would have left long ago. Honestly I want to divorce my hubby too and be free(and free of his emotional abuse always putting me down, belitting and berating me) but unless I have a plan which incl. some sort of financial means of support and somewhere to go and some way of starting over a new life what am I going to do and where would I go? The only feasible way I could think of is if I somehow come into alot of $$$ or meet someone who can help me leave. He even said once if I leave he'll quit his job so that he won't have to give me any alimony so I'll end up peniless and homeless in the street!

I also got locked outside yesterday,too! I was out in the backyard(and I did have the door unlocked like I always do and I always check) but someone( my guess is the 15 YR old) locked the door when it was closed(we had the A/C on)and locked me out and so I had to bang on the door and window to wake up my mother(who was napping) to let me in because I really had to pee, and my hubby said the 27 YR old skipped jiu-jitsu last night because he had a date so I said he must really like her to skip it for her and when he got back I asked him how his date went and asked where they went( restaurant, cinema, picnic, etc) and he said NOYB and I can just never win either way; I try to show interest in their lives and involvement in their activities yet whenever I do  they tell me it's none of my business and to stop being so "nosey" and he said they never went out anywhere, making me concerned that she's a whore and all they did was f*ck( esp. since he did have a shower as soon as he came home!) and not the "right" kind of girl; that he never even took her out anywhere, and my hubby and I were fighting over the TV again,too; it was on mute for the commercials and then redneck sports came on and he told me to un-mute it(which I was going to do as soon as I had my music to drown it out so I didn't have to listen to it) but I asked him to toss me over my iPod first( which was charging right beside him but across the room from where I was) and he refused and got mad and stormed off upstairs and somehow remotely(I think from his phone) turned the TV off on me and when I turned it back on there was no sound( so he'd somehow sabotaged it so I couldn't watch the rest of the news) but I just went and watched it on my computer, not letting him 'control" me or ruin it for me.

It's funny as well how most people go to Tim Hortons  for their coffee ( not me; I don't even drink coffee; I think it's gross and even the smell makes my stomach turn!) but not my girls; they're divas and only get the fancy expensive stuff at Starbucks and they spend more $$$ a month on coffee there a month than I do on my medical marijuana, and I often wonder too how I'll die and probably most likely by suicide knowing me but I hope it's something "natural"( hopefully just die peacefully in my sleep) but whatever it is I just hope it's not painful, and USA sent a drone into Afghanistan to kill a wanted terrorist and I'm surprised the UN  hasn't condemned it; isn't it a violation of a sovereign nation's borders and if it were reversed and Afghanistan sent in a drone to USA and killed an American there would be all hell to pay, and Ukraine's Zelensky apparantly also has some 60 MILLION$ plus several properties, yachts, etc. and he's an oligarch no different than the Russian oligarchs he so vocally condemns, making him a hypocrite and there's just something "off" about that guy and he's NOT the "hero" and "Good Guy" he pretends to be...

Time keeps on slipping, slipping slipping into the future.-Steve Miller Band.