Just Fed-Up.

Yesterday my hubby had to do all the grocery shopping all in one day( he normally spreads it out over 2 days as he goes to several stores to compare prices) as friday he was drugged up from the anesthesia and couldn't drive that day and today him and the boys have Dungeons & Dragons with their group plus the 15 YR old has his badminton lesson so he had to squeeze it al into one day and then he complains about it( even though it's his own doing because of stuff for him  and we still need food) and as always he got me the wrong stuff even though I wrote down very clearly(even emboldened to be extra sure he wouldn't f*ck it up but to no avail, making me wonder if he does it on purpose just to annoy me as nobody could possibly  be that stupid, esp. not all the time) I wrote down Dr. Oetker The Good Baker Margherita pizza...and what does he come back with? Dr. Oetker Ristorante Margherita pizza; a completely different thing; and I wanted the Good Baker one for a reason; it's their newest one I wanted to try, and he also got the wrong dog food; not the brand I wrote down( the soft mushy one Buddy can eat,being that he's old now and hardly has any teeth left) but rather another brand that's chunky and hard for him to chew, aaaannnnd I wrote down a package of the Bic lighters and he comes back with just one lighter( claiming they "didn't have any packs) and NOT even one I can use; it wasn't even a Bic but some cheap thing me with my Rheumatoid Arthritis I don't have the strength to even operate, rendering it useless....not to mention that three times before I wrote down Tylenol sinus x-tra strength and he comes back with regular Tylenol.(so now we have 3 big bottles of Tylenol x-strength) So, naturally I got mad he got the wrong stuff yet again and then he rages at me I'm "ungrateful" ( for what? That he didn't get what I'd asked for and got the wrong thing? I'm just tired of always being let down, disappointed and of things neevr going right for me) and that next time to do the shopping myself, even though he's the only one that drives and  every time I do ask him to take me somewhere he gets all mad and bent out of shape and acts like it's such an inconvenience so no matter what I do I just can't "win" either way.

I'm just so fed up with this shit and this family.I also still hold out hope that one day I will meet my True Love and he will bring me sunflowers to cheer my heart and we'll sit together on the beach and watch the sun set.

On top of that the 28 YR old kept making fun of me too, saying I'm a princess for complaining(but how would he "like" it if he put his stuff on the list like he does and didn't get the right thing?) and also taunted me that I'm weak and useless for having medical issues and claims(like some sort of know-it-all because he's read things online and now thinks he's some sort of expert) that I can "overcome" my medical issues by simply exercising and was putting down anyone who he deems "weak and inferior" and I told him I'd rather be so-called "weak" than a macho asshole.

I've never felt like these people are my people, my tribe, my clan. I've always felt like an outsider looking in, never belonging, never fitting in, never being a part of their inner circle.I've never had their support, understanding, compassion, love,etc. They say they're tired of me always complaining all the time,etc. but I'M  tired of always being so unhappy all the time, Buddy is all I have and I love him so deeply I 'm not able to envision a world without him, and he's still bleeding from the sore in his face( and always after he wakes up or does a shit, and he comes to me to clean him up,too) as well(I'm sure is cancer) and I swear he went around the other day saying goodbye  to everyone,too, as if he knows he's dying, and for the past few days with me every muscle, joint, and bone deeply hurts, and not just the usual aches like when you have the Flu,either, but bad hurting deep from within, so maybe I have cancer,too,and I did feel a hard lump just above my belly-button,too, so that can't be good and must be what's been causing my pain all along and not just my ulcer,and now the health officials have come out with a mask recommendation(with an unprecedented amount of sick and hospitalized kids and unsure why but I know why; poisoning them with the COVID Clot-shot!) but NOT a mandate.....at least not so far...but you know it's coming  and I refuse  to go back  to oppression and Martial Law! F*ck that!

Why oh why can't you just fix me? When all I want's to feel numb.-Theory Of A Deadman