I am an adult with with autism, and while I do prefer to keep to myself, at times my loneliness is so agonizing that I wonder if life is worth living if I exist in a chronic state of disconnectedness, unbelonging, and social isolation.
My parents both died when I was 26, so I have lived my entire adult life with no family, and with few, if any friends. When I was in my 20's and 30's I didn't really think my preferring to go places alone, and do things by myself was anything more than being “ultra independent.” I focused on college studies, and after graduation, I concentrated my time, energy, and attention on getting, and keeping employment.
The older I get, the more keenly aware I've grown as to my somewhat “solitary-confinement-loner" lifestyle. I do not believe the way I live, so socially isolated, is healthy. Especially for my mental health because it is the driving force behind my severe, refractory depression.
I think a part of me has always longed to have friends (at least one or two close ones), a boyfriend/significant other/husband, a family of my own, a sense of connectedness, inclusivity, and belonging in groups, and a genuine knowing that there are people in the world that know and care that I'm alive, and an inner aching to experience being loved.
I agree with others who state that each person with an autistic spectrum disorder is unique. I can only speak for myself in regards to reasons why I prefer to spend the majority of my time alone, but here is a list of some reasons I “am (stuck) alone,” most of the time, and some reasons why I prefer to be alone.
• I don't have anyone to spend time with (other than my dog).
• I have been bullied and taken advantage of a great deal (as an adult) by peers, neighbors, co-workers, and supervisors. And I've been blown off, and betrayed by individuals I thought were my friends. So letting others into my life does not hold much appeal.
• I do not have, and never really ever had interests similar to my peers, especially other women, so conversations and interactions are short-lived, at best, and connections are next-to-none. For example, I have little-to-nill interest in discussing fashion trends, make-up, designer purses, trending shoe styles, or candle scents, and I have no significant other, or children to talk about. And that makes it very challenging for me to make connections with other women.
• I'm extremely transparent, honest to a fault, and indifferent to others perception of me…which I've been told makes some people ill-at-ease and uncomfortable around me, and causes many to avoid me.
• I am an anomaly to most people, and greatly misunderstood. I think this is because I (normally) have a fairly attractive, put together look/appearance, I have a high level of intelligence, and am very articulate, but I am also incredibly socially awkward, say all the wrong things in conversations, am quirky, have never had a boyfriend/rarely date, and cannot seem to maintain employment. I think these contrasting qualities perplex others, and cause others to distance themselves from me (aka: from what they to do not understand).
• My severe sensory issues make the world beyond my front door a war zone. Noise, loud sounds, smells/odors, crowds in motion, and many other things large and small put my nervous system in overload, and make my world seem painfully like a war zone. Staying shut-in, and alone most of the time keeps me sane, and even-keel, nervous system wise.
• Social interactions and conversations drain me. I can only handle about one a week. Also, I can only handle a limited about of time in stores, at appointments, and out in public places because they also cause social and sensory-overload.
• My severe, unrelenting depression causes me to stay home and keep to myself because the handful of times I've gone out (to an activity, class, or meeting) depressed, it has made others uncomfortable (to see me so low, discouraged, and less-than “put-together" appearance wise). My depression has become a relational executioner.
I hope what I have shared can give you a bit more insight into why someone with autism appears to prefer to be by themselves.
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