Disappointed.

After age 12 my entire life has just been one disappointment after another. Even my life-long dream of having kids ended up to be a biiiig disappointment and regret. I devoted my life to it(raising and homeschooling) only in the end to have them all turn away from both me and from God, and having them turn away from God hurts even more than turning away from me and is the biggest disappointment of all. I'm NOT happy the people they grew up to be as adults,and take the 26 YR old(pictured here, for example): not only looking like a Goth Punk that woulnd't think twice about curb-stomping your brains all over the sidewalk just for the hell of it but everything pierced she looks like a human pin cushion and you can even see thru her shirt! I raised my kids to be modest and have self-respect! She also looks like her younger brother here and even has a moustache! WTF? Any mother would be disappointed to have their kid looking like this! I even wonder if she's transitioning or something( which I have no problem with as I have 3 trans friends, and, in fact, would even be kind of "funny" as when I was prego with her I wanted a boy as the 2 girls before her were very difficult and I didn't want any more girls and when I found out it was another girl I was so depressed; I didn't even have a girl's name chosen; my hubby ended up naming her).

 I also ended up in an unhappy marriage, and everything I've ever looked forward to ended up a let-down and disappointment (except for my travels)and going wrong, back-firing, not working out, and even when I try my best it's still never good enough and always gets misunderstood, taken the wrong way, makes things worse, etc. Even the ones that originally liked me eventually 'tire" of me and end up abandoning me.I just feel like such a flop, such a failure, such a fop, such a loser in life; I can't ever do anything right and I wonder why I'm even here. I have no happiness in life other than my dog.

I'm also fed-up with my mother always shitting on the floor and her walker always blocking the doorways and wanting everyone to serve her all the time and not doing her share of things anymore leaving my hubby and I to pick up the slack because neither the 15 or 28 YR old do anything to help out.

My whole life is just one big disappointment.

Now this is the one thing that never disappoints: jelly-filled donuts; my fave! I just love these things sooo much! My hubby and I also both have colds now as well and a cousin in Europe has COVID; she said she got it on the plane on the way back home from her vacation in Africa and has been 'really sick" for 9 days so far and she's even had  the vaccine,too, showing it really doesn't "work" that well, afterall, either in preventing or lessening it as when I had it I had it for 11 days and I never even had the Clot-Shot! I also notice the 15 YR old has alot of pimples now as well but I don't point it out or say anything, not wanting him to feel self-conscious but the worst was the 24 YR old when he was a teen; even the dermatologist said he'd never seen a case so bad and he had to have that Accutane prescribed and I wonder too if it maybe was due to the chemo he had as a kid for his leukemia that caused it to be so bad and if maybe the Accutane was what made him suicidal?

 The 28 YR old also tried to order something from USA for 60$ and they were going to charge him a whopping 300$ for import taxes, duty charges, etc. so he cancelled it. WTF? We're always getting over-charged and ripped-off in this shithole for taxes and shipping, and he also said I'm lazy and useless for not doing extra laundry for him(even though I do the usual load, incl. all his stuff) even though he IS an adult(and when I was his age I already had 6 kids) and he really should act like one and do his own laundry which he can do from now on since he obviously doesn't appreciate  it and thinks I'm his maid, but his problem is he just doesn't like women( he's even said so himself) and thinks they're just here to serve men or respect them( he's just like his father) and treats me like my hubby does, and my "laziness" is due to medical issues I get tired and out of breath and can't exert myself and do things I used to and I can't even walk around the shopping mall anymore without getting out of breath and I've been devalued, put down and called worthless my whole life and I'm sick of it and it hurts even more coming from him,too, because I thought he was one of the nicer ones but now I see that he's no different than the rest.

We are the the rocks in a creek that do not go with the current.