Fed-Up.

I'm just so sick and tired and fed-up with everything; myself, my life, my family, my bad luck, nothing but failure and disappointment, destroyed dreams,always being devalued, dismissed, unwanted, unwelcome, not being heard, never listened to, my needs being ignored, being hated and abused, constant bad luck, being clumsy, stupid,misunderstood, disrespected, nothing ever going right and always going wrong all the time, waiting for a break that never comes, waiting for happiness and peace that eludes me,longing for love I'll never have, being stuck in an unhappy miserable life, being criticized for everything I do and for everything I am, etc. that last night I seriously considered(and came close to) ending it all. The only thing that stopped me was Buddy; I didn't want to leave him otherwise I would have done it, and to top it all off the Internet was off for several hours and I missed the fall finale to my fave TV show....and wouldn't you just know it,too, it came back on right as soon as the show ended at 9pm, just MY "luck!" I swear, I must be cursed!Why can't things ever just go right for me and why is eveything always such a struggle all the time? I have kids that hate me and I'm blamed for everything and they hate everything about me and even the way I talk; my hubby and the 28 YR old say I always "scream" when it's just the way I talk; I'm just loud, probably because I don't hear well and I'm fed-up always being hated and criticized just for being me; for things I have no control over. My hubby's always belittling to me too and says things like, How many times do I have to keep telling you the same thing over and over again?  and I told him, Until I understand it, and sorry I'm NOT smart like YOU!! He's also going to let the 28 YR old smoke his stinky Cuban cigar (which stinks even MORE than weed!) inside the house but I have to smoke my medical marijuana outside so once again it isn't what you do; it's who you are.

My mother also took the food right off the 15 YR old's place at the kitchen table without even asking him and I told her she should at least ask him first in case he was saving it for later but she thinks because she's old she's "entitled" to do whatever she wants and when I told her it doesn't work that way she scoffed, Yes, it does! and snorted What IS this, 'Pick on me Day'?  as always twitsing it around, being manipulative, trying to make her the "victim" when she's the problem, and she also wrote grocery stuff on the wrong list, on the Christmas list and then had the nerve to tell me to fix it for her, YOU can re-do it for me on the right one...and when I balked and told her it was her mistake to fix she has to take responsibility she huffed, I know YOU'D never do any work or help out! trying to put the blame on me and make me feel guilty but her manipulation and gaslighting isn't going to work and I'm just so sick of it all, and my hubby can't eat either unless he's sitting in front of the TV which is the most redneck thing ever, and I'm just sooooo fed-up with all of them, the whole lot of them, and I feel like the old abandoned swingset/clubhouse, sandbox  and deflated balls in the backyard; no longer used, needed, wanted, or loved and just left to decay.. I also saw what I thought was red and green chili peppers on a bag of tortilla chips but it was actually Christmas lights and a radio ad for a restaurant said everyone gets free kisses and I thought that was really gross but they actually meant the chocolate Kisses candies.

You fought the good fight, you ran the good race.