My Heart.

8 YRS ago I gave my heart to a Dachshund and it was the best thing I ever did and the day he dies will be the worst day of my life. Buddy is the absolute best  thing to ever happen to me in my entire life and he is, in fact, my whole life, and my only reason to still keep living, to still keep holding on. He's my purpose and reason for living, my anchor, my harbour, my safe place, the only one that loves me and that hasn't ever  stopped loving me or given up on me or left me. He is my greatest gift and blessing from God. Today he told me that he thinks he's dying (and he also yelped  in pain when I picked him up and he limps along ever-so-slowly,too) and he'll be 17 in 2 months and my only hope is that I die with him and I wonder since I was born at the beginning of the year ( in January) if I'll die at the end of the year(December) too, sort of like the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end? I'm pretty sure my liver is failing,too, as I'm jaundiced, itch from the inside-out, am nauseated, and have massive fluid in my belly I look prego, not to mention the stomach and abdomenal pain. I just hope after I'm gone that the kids also remember the good times,too( not just the bad) and funny things that I said or did( eg. re-naming the Google Home device funny names, or parodying songs, or my "Mackie" jokes, the funny accents I can do,etc) and that made them laugh,too.

I notice as well that my once-shiny hair is now dull ,even the shiny grey silver part that used to sparkle like silver tinsel on a Christmas tree; now it's dull and "flat" and no longer shiny, so is it due to some medical/health issue maybe or some vitamin/mineral deficiency( even though I do take vitamins and natural supplements daily) or what, and I notice too that my anxiety is always so much worse at night as I lay in bed trying to sleep( and I bite my nails) and one of my cousins( the one that had the Pitbull puppies) got banned from Facebook for life but I don't know why or what he posted, probably something anti-gov't or anti-vax( like what I post) and I have this Facebook friend too who has this really ugly baby grandchild; honestly a really FLK and one of the ugliest babies I have ever seen(it's all wrinkly and looks old and saggy, kind of like Yoda only with big bulgy eyes and also has a big potato nose and tons of hair) but she always coos how "cute" and "beautiful" the kid is, and I wonder if she's really that blind  or just in denial; how does she NOT see what's so obvious? I never said anything of course( not wanting to offend her) but I didn't  lie either and say what a "cute" baby it is. I only ever saw 2 other babies in my life that I'd call "ugly"; one belonged to a friend at a church I went to(he looked like the Michelin Tire Man) and another to a neighbour and the kid looked honest-to-God like E.T.

The 28 YR old also told me a client gave him some wise advise about women: he said that even if you're just "shacking up" and NOT even married she can still take half of everything you own if you split up(which is crazy!) so get a pre-nup( or even better, like I told him; just don't shack up in the first place; have your own place and just hook up) and the sad fact is that for the most part( with the exception of a small seclect few) most women are either gold-diggers or crazy and most guys are either cheaters, drinkers, or abusive, with the exception again of a few good ones, and the tricky part is for the few good ones to find eachother. He also said his boss is rich as he makes 200K a year but doesn't consider himself rich as he hangs out with millionaires and billionaries so I guess it depends on what you compare it to, and this year the kids also decided instead of getting eachother Christmas gifts they'll contribute $$$$ towards airfare( costs 600$ a ticket) so that their out-of-province siblings can come visit, and I can still remember too inviting my friend to my birthday party and thinking her last name was Rose Yard  ( I was in grade 2 or 3) but it turned out it was Rochard (I guess my mother asked my teacher and found out?); it was French (I think her parents were from Haiti) but to a little kid it sounded like Rose Yard and I realized as well that I never even told any of my friends growing up( as a kid, in highschool, not even my BFF) about being molested fromn age 4-12. No matter how close we were, it just wasn't ever something I ever confided in anyone. My hubby was the first person I ever told but I had to explain why I had an aversion to certain sexual things and why I would never do them ever again..

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.-Mark Twain