Go Back.

I really wish I could time-travel and go back to the 70's when I was a kid( this is what the typical home in the 70's looked like, complete with loud wallpaper, shag carpeting and brown, yellow, green,and orange colours) and 80's when I was a teen. Those were good times to grow up( other than the being molested and bullied parts that is) but at the same time the sad thing is even if I could go back I know it still wouldn't be the same; everything changes and even if I did move back to my old Toronto house(like I often have recurring dreams about) it still wouldn't be the same; for instance, our old house would no longer have the same wallpaper, paint, windows, etc,or now outdated furniture, etc. and even our old neighbourhood( Upper Beaches) which used to be an OK neighbourhood has now turned into a ghetto in the 40 -plus something years since we lived there and all the neighbours would be long gone and crime is much worse in the city, etc.The only thing that stays the same are my memories and my old photos. It would be the same if we moved back to Ottawa,too( not that I ever would with the trauma we suffered there and the bad memories).I also heard the musical Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat has it's premiere North American performance too which is a lie as I clearly remember seeing it decades ago in either Toronto or Ottawa, and now there's a theatre production for Black audiences only too I think is racist and discriminatory and if it were reversed and for Whites only there would be a huge outcry( as there should be) and there's no difference; racism and discrimination is still the same no matter who does it. You should never exclude anyone.

I also can still remember back in the 80's when I had books with beautiful covers like this,too, and I wish they would bring them back, and they just look so pretty on the bookshelves, and the California radio station I listen too complained how "cold" it is saying it was 50F which is 10C and it made me laugh; those people don't have any idea what cold really is,like on Friday we're dropping down to -30 C with a wind-chill of -40 C! Now that's cold, and the other day Buddy was sitting and suddenly looked startled and jumped in fear as if he suddenly saw something approach him even though I didn't see anything there  and I also had a dream last night my cousin J( I haven't seen since I was 13) told me Buddy was dying,and someone used the mug I used to soak my bong to clean for their coffee( eww!) and my family is so territorial as well everyone puts their name on food so the others don't take it, not that it makes any difference though, and today the 15 YR old is finally getting a haircut he desperately needs; his bangs are sooo long he looks like a sheepdog and you can't even see his eyes! 2 girls (sisters)from the old church that were friends with the 26 YR old growing up are also married now, one to an American and one to an Australian and they live in USA and Australia now and it's interesting too how neither of their husbands wanted to move here instead; no one wants to live in this shithole!

The other night the 28 YR old was also out the back smoking a cigar and I went out and joined him, hitting the bong, both to keep him company and to have a nice chat and also because I knew that I was going to get blamed for the smell( they'd think it was my weed and yell at me for the smell so I might as well smoke up anyway) and he said a client has a 20 million$ penthouse and if I had 20million$ for a home I'd buy a house so I'd have more privacy and a yard; I don't like apartments, and when you die you can't take your wealth and your posessions with you anyway; all you take with you is your soul, and he said when you die that there's nothing; just darkness; that it's just over, but I truly believe with all my heart that you continue to live on in another realm; that your soul, your spirit, your energy, your beingness just starts a new chapter somewhere else he just calls a "coping strategy" and when I die I'm not even having a funeral because I know no one will even bother to show up anyway, and I think Ukraine is just being greedy now,too, after all the weapons and help NATO countries has given them(they just got the tanks they wanted and now they're asking for fighter jets and missiles,too!) in their battle with Russia ( and they aren't even a member) they still keep asking for more; it's never enough!The more they get, the more they want! I fear the more countries and the more weapons that get involved it will eventually turn into WWIII!

No one can save me The damage is done.-Bon Jovi