My Goodbye.

My mother's manipulation tactic of making the kids worry and  think she's dying and telling them she has to say her "goodbyes"(when really she's just depressed and giving up) and pitying her and getting their attention worked because the 20 YR old  and the oldest called her today and she said once she hears from all the grandchildren she'll be "better" but I doubt it; it's just a tactic. She also claimed once she got a bedpan she won't pee and shit in the bed anymore and stink up the entire house anymore either and so we got her a bedpan but it stillmakes no difference; she still refuses to wear pants and she shits and pees in the bed and she lays and wallows in her own filth and even has shit all over her shirt and won't even make the effort to reach over to her bedside table for her drink or her meds either and even had me get that  for her,too, and this is really going too far and she either doesn't realize or doesn't care how it's affecting other people and she either needs to be admitted or committed somewhere ,either a hospital or a long-term care home (she doesn't want to go but we can't  put up with the smell and she needs more care than we can give her)because she refuses to care for herself anymore and I honestly don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal with this and can't cope. This is just beyond my ability and I have no more resources left in me,either, to be able to handle this and I honestly don't know what to do and I"m right on the edge and I told her she's going to drive me to suicide and I'm so stressed and overwhelmed too that I burned myself twice today cooking. She also said she "has a sore back" and I told her what does she expect when all she does is lay in bed all day and it's only going to get worse the longer it goes on.

Since my mother was saying her Goodbyes I decided I'll also say mine, esp. since I seriously don't know how much longer I can honestly take this or how much longer I can go on because this is pushing me over the edge but I'm sorry for being me and I never meant to hurt anyone, to be a "bad" mother, or to be annoying, or to make things worse, and I don't mean to be or want  to be a horrible person, and I'm sorry I'm never good enough and not good enough for my mother, for my kids, for my family, for society, for organized religion, for anyone,etc. and I can only hope that I'm good enough for God, and no one loves me or will miss me anyway and I know I'll see Buddy again soon on the Other Side and the only other thing I'll miss is the beauty of God's Creation and nature, and I hope they still have sunsets, trees, flowers, birds, etc. wherever I'll be going.My only "accomplishment" in life is having my kids but others would say even that's not an accomplishment and if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't as it wasn't "worth" it since it was just all for nothing and they just ended up hating me,anyway. 

I'm sorry for me being me and for never being good enough.

My walls are covered with pictures of you I fantasize that you are here in my room Most days I wake up just wanting to die But I still try.-Ozzy Osbourne