Alzheimers?

Today it's going to 31 C and breaking a record and tomorrow 32 C and a severe storm and then cooling off a bit to a more seasonal 24 C and I was praying to God for an answer about my mother and the answer came:

She has Alzheimers and depression.

It makes sense! When I look back her forgetfulness makes sense and her loss of spelling and social etiquette(such as twirling her pasta with her fingers and shovelling the food into her mouth with her fingers) and calling me by the 24 YR old's name and mixing up the kids' names and the 28 YR old said she asked him how laser tag was the other day when we sold that business years ago and he also said when one of the kids called long ago she said "Happy Birthday" and it wasn't anyone's birthday and she can't spell words anymore she used to and for the past week she never knows what day it is; confused like that, and her physical decline, starting with tripping and falling down the stairs a few years ago and needing the walker and now just staying in bed and not getting up or doing anything at all and yesterday saying really strange things like when I collected the garbage she said she had "shit saved for me wrapped up in tin foil" to throw out I found odd since where would she get the tin foil from when she's been in bed for a week and when I looked there was nothing there and she insisted it was under the blankets but all these was was her pee and shit soaked blankets and then shortly after she kept insisting there was "garbage under my blankets" when it was really just the smell of her own waste.

My friend J( from grade 8) suggested I call Community Care Access Centre which she said is no cost, kind of like Public Health and they can come to the house and do personal care like bathing and other hygeine and if she's too serious a case they can at least come and assess her and arrange if she has to be transported to the hospital or long-term care home for more treatment but either way she can't just stay here like this, in bed wallowing in her own filth; she'll get pneumonia and she doesn't even want to eat or drink or take her meds and she's not even scanning her glucose anymore,either, so this is the bad thing to happen to us this May, just like there is every May, and I'll give them a call this morning when they open but with my autism and social phobia it also terrifies me to talk on the phone to strangers too and gives me so much anxiety and panic attacks I pray to God for strength and courage (like Moses did with his speech impediment talking to Pharoah)and I don't know how I'm going to DO it or get thru it and I'm so nervous and panic just thinking about it and of course my hubby won't help me by calling them when he talks on the phone all the time for work, and I feel sick to my stomach wracked with nerves and my stomach, abdomen and back are already really bad for days as it is,anyway.

My hubby also had to get new tires for the car costing 800$ and someone online described suicide as "exit ramps" in life, for when you want to exit life early when you need to get back Home early and exit the "stage" of life; you can take an "exit ramp" along the way or agree to be part of an event that ends your journey early. That's what I want to do and keep trying to do but my "exit routes" are either always all closed or detour me another way because I can never get off.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it." - Jacques Prevert