Hopeless.

Today the bitchy nurse came again as well as the PSW and a guy that installed bed rails( he just drilled them into the boxspring of the bed) and the phone kept ringing again and I feel like I'm running a hotel it's just chaos and non-stop and just never ends and every time I try to get something to eat or try to take my nap someone always needs me or wants me for something( a phone call or a visit or my mother's calling me for something) and I'm stretched beyond thin and never get a break and it just never ends and tomorrow some guy(I have no idea who he even is; on the phone he had such a heavy Indian accent I could hardly even understand him and normally I'm really good with accents) is coming as well as the PSW so we don't even get a break on the weekends and it's all just so intrusive and disruptive having all these outsiders coming into our house as well(and criticizing me on top of that and judging me) and I try to tell myself it should settle down after awhile and become more routine and it's only for 4 months and then we get our lives, privacy,and routines back....but then what? What do we do with my mother then, once Home Care is gone? What do we do then? Then we're still back to the same problem we had before and if she goes to long-term care her pension all goes towards that and not to paying our bills, so we're just f*cked either way and life as we knew it is over.My stomach pain is also extra bad yesterday and today too and I wonder if it's just stress?

My hubby and the 28 YR old( luckily he had a day off today) also had to move my mother from the bed into the wheelchair( plus she also has to sit up and can't lay down in bed all day)so the bedrails could be put on and the 28 YR old said it would be easier just to send her back to the hospital so at least I'm not the only one thinking that and the second-oldest phoned her from BC and the railings,etc. are on a "trial" basis and only free for 3 weeks so then after that we'll just have them remove them and transportation is the same; only free for a month( to take her to and from medical app't's) and then it's 56$ each time even more than a taxi! Holy f*ck!(I even said Holy f*ck! on the phone,too, and said it's almost as expensive as an airport pick-up) so we'll just be doing it while it's free,too, but of course they're all booked up for her app't on the 28th,and she refuses to get up out of bed so either the doctor has to make a housecall or she's just S.O.L. and all this just never ends and there's no hope ever for it to get any better at any point in the future,either; we keep enduring this drudgery and bearing this burden until she either dies or goes into long-term care and we no longer have her income and end up losing the house,too. Either way, there's nothing left for me anymore and no future, no life, nothing.

I need a new life or at least an escape from this life.

I even contemplated killing myself yesterday as well out of hopelessless and despair but I compromised and convinced myself to wait another day, hoping maybe it will get better and things will improve and settle down, that maybe it was just hectic the first day but then came to realize that this is just my life now  So much chaos, so many people in and out and phoning, it's crazy. There's simply no peace and no time to just BE. There's no quiet, no peace, no down-time, no time to just relax or catch a breath.No break. I feel like I'm running a hotel or something. and someone always needs something from me. I'm just running ragged, on empty.. This is all just too much.

I have nothing left to give.

I have nothing left.

I know I'm alot of feathers but not much chicken.-Kim Mitchell