Immortal?

I shouldn't be here today and yet here I still am. I tried to kill myself again(if you don't succeed, keep trying) last night and once again it didn't work. I can't do anything right! I try so hard to escape this life but God won't let me; I'm beginning to wonder if I'm "immortal" or something as I just won't die! I took easily over 100 pills which are supposed  to do the job and so I took them and laid down to sleep hoping I'd wake up on the Other Side....but here I still am and I'm pissed-off. The only effect it had on me is I'm dizzy and I had to keep stretching my muscles every few minutes( either that or it's another kind of seizure, but I conscious) and that's it! Why can't I just die and if it's not my Time, then why does God allow me to just suffer like this with no way out? Why prolong it? I've had enough and I'm done.  Today I'm going outside and I'll just put a sign on the front door Go to the back for whoever comes as I'm NOT staying inside waiting around on such a nice day,and I'm letting the machine answer calls; I need peace. We also get 2 hours of housekeeping either a week or month, I forget.

I found 2 things I love: sunflower gown and clawfoot tub! We had a storm yesterday as well and I saw the birds, chipmunks, and squirrels were all going apeshit; when they heard the thunder; the birds were loudly squawking and everyone  frantically ran off to their nests and it was weird as they don't normally react like that with storms, and the 28 YR old went to a fancy party with his Artsy friends last night, and at least him and my hubby get to go out( chess, jiu-jitsu, pickleball, etc.) and getaway from the chaos and get a break but I'm just stuck here and the worst of it is that there's no hope that things will ever get any better; just the same shit every day and even once that ends then we won't even be able to pay the bills, etc. so it's just neverending one thing after another and not the life I want to live.

I’m afraid that you’ll leave me alone in this world that makes fun of me.