Overwhelming.

In case you ever wondered what a catheter bag looks like now you know. Today was just overwhelming. I thought once we had Home Care if was supposed to get easier but it hasn't and it doesn't make any difference. I was going to wait to post this tomorrow but I'm so stressed it couldn't wait and I had to vent now. I got at least 12 phonecalls today I felt like a receptionist or answering service and people kept coming in the house it felt like we had a revolving door. It never stopped and my hubby was mad it was all too much for me to handle and I couldn't do it all and still needed a break to sit outside and have a nap, for example,he expected me to sit around inside in the house all day waiting for calls when it was a nice day out, and  mad I couldn't get a call(and he had to answer it) even though I was already busy my hands were literally full emptying the catheter(I thought the PSW was supposed to do) and carrying a bucket of piss on the way to the bathroom to dump into the toilet. He said he has to work and can't do it all but neither can I. This is just more than I can cope with and 3 people came today,plus the pharmacy delivery, incl. the PSW who was snotty to me I didn't have any diaper wipes for my mother's ass when I thought she'd bring her own supplies, and my hubby criticized me as well I was outside when she was here as I "didn't help out" even though I wanted to get out of her way and give her some space to work.Plus, I can't run on empty(I need to de-stress and nap too) and can't crash and burn.

Someone just please stop this ride. I just want to get off!

Then there was also the nurse who was critical that I don't change my mother's diapers in-between( even though I thought that was what the PSW was here for) and said it "borders on abuse" and my friend I( from the YMCA group in Ottawa) said when his mother had Alzheimers the one thing he wouldn't do either was change diapers and he and his brother decided she needed long-term care home and his husband gave him backlash but he stood firm,  and after 11 kids and decades of diapers(and I used cotton diapers,too) I'm done; I'm not wiping another shitty ass ever again, I just finished taking care of my kids and now I have to take care of my mother.

It never ends.

No matter what I do though for the kids or for her it's still never enough.

I'm never enough.

The 24 YR old and her BF also sent her some flowers( carnations, her fave.) from the florist and out of all of the kids she's always been the most kind, and they arranged Meals On Wheels  starting next Monday to deliver 1 hot meal a day 5 days a week for 30 days as well that's free and then you have to pay( so we'll just be doing the 30 days) and they asked if my mother spoke French,too, for some reason, and this is all just too much and I can't let it take over my entire life; I have to be able to adapt around it but not let it consume me, Everyone always needs something from me and I have nothing left to give; I'm all used up and it's hard and demoralizing having strangers coming into my house(which already feels intrusive and disruptive anyway) criticizing me saying I don't do enough, I'm not enough, I'm not good enough,etc. I just can't cope. This is more than I can take. I give up. Right at this moment I can't decide if this is just another really bad, horrible, awful, shitty day I just have to get thru or if this is just my life now. I didn't sign up for this. This is not the life I want. It won't get any better when she dies,either, as without her income we'll lose the house( can't afford the property tax) and I don't want to move and esp. not end up in a shitty apartment where I can't even have my dog or backyard. That's no life.Just drudgery.

“I was feeling like life was not meant to be lived"-Heather Armstrong